10, 9, 8....

I am really in the countdown now!! Praise God! I am finally letting myself anticipate, with joy, the end of this retched phase of treatment.

I have been blindsided this time around. With my FEC75 I knew I would feel terrible the first day and several days after. But then I slowly felt better each day. I was nauseous throughout but I could rally and get up and feel like a somewhat functioning human being, albeit one with a colossal "hangover"-type sick feeling. With this weekly treatment, or maybe the combo of this and my nightly pills, it has been a whole new dreadful ball of wax. I feel fine the day of chemo and the day after (because of the steroids, I think). But it is down hill the rest of the week. And each week it has gotten so much worse. It is indescribable....my skin feels like I have shingles (even the lightest, softest cotton hurts), deep bone & muscle pain, my gums are swollen and I swear my teeth feel loose (lol), nasty issues with my fingers & toe nails, and oh so much more that I just won't go in to.

This past week frightened me though. The worst day was Friday. It even hurt to moan. It scared Oscar, which made me want to jump up and tap dance just to stop his fear. But I physically could not. It was heart wrenching and, to date, it was the hardest part of this whole process. Not my pain but his worry. God blessed me with these beautiful children to love and protect. It is my job to insulate them and shelter them and make them feel safe in their world. And there was my precious, delicate boy asking me if I was dying. It is too much for a 6 year old. At 3 years old Angelica is less aware and easier distracted. I tell her mommy is okay and she is happy to run off and chase Oddie. Oscar wouldn't leave my side. He crawled in bed with me and would not leave.

Suffice to say, I made arrangements for help the later part of next week (when it is the worst). I made the arrangements while I still remembered how bad it was. I think once I start to feel better I tend to forget how terrible it is (was) and I think I can handle it. No, I can't. I cry uncle and will not be alone the later part of next week...for the sake of my children. By the way, I know that the "forgetting how bad it was" part is just another gift from God (right, otherwise every family would only have 1 child....lol...forgetting the pain of childbirth).

Okay, so I made it until my second-to-last treatment before I hit a wall, metaphorically speaking. There are some women, young woman even, who feel like this after 2 or 3 treatments. There are some woman who end up with walkers or wheelchairs by their 4th or 5th treatment. Once again, God has taken SUCH amazing care of me!! I praise Him daily for being faithful to His Word. He has it all under control and in His perfect plan we will survive. Oscar will come through this stronger and even more empathetic. I will be a better mom, person, friend and Christian. Angelica will be even more buoyant. Hell, maybe even Oddie will stop peeing on the carpet. Hallelujah!!!!!

Thank you all my faithful friends....thank you for checking in and for being with me on this journey. I could not do it without your love, your support, your healing thoughts and all your prayers.

xoxo