Dear Cancer

I just read a book called Dear Cancer. The author, Laura Parisi King, is a cancer survivor and great writer. Here is an excerpt from her book...

Dear Cancer,
You have tried to break my spirit.
Yet because of you I am more spiritual than ever before.

You have tried to shake my faith.
Yet my faith is strong than ever.

You have tried to upset my relationships.
Yet they continue to flourish in spite of you.

You have tried to turn my life upside down.
OK, you got me on that one.

I wrote my own letter to cancer. I was not as nice.

Cancer-

I will not start this letter with Dear.

You stole my mom from me when I was 21. You ravaged my dad’s life and took him from us when I was 35. They were both too young to die and you suck for taking them! There is nothing I can say to you that has not been said before. So, let me quote my dear sister, when it come to your short visit to my body, you picked the WRONG person. I will use every tool in my arsenal to make you go away….my faith, my doctors, my strength, the loving force of my family and friends. Ohhhh, you are in deep do-do…because I have some fierce friends and sisters and they are my ARMY! You have robbed me of precious time with my children. Cold, crisp, sunny afternoons like today that I should be playing outside with them instead of spending my time running between the bathroom and my bed. I will make it up to them. And in the long run it won’t matter because I will be here and you will be GONE! You are not welcome here in my home, in my life, in my breasts, in my body. You will not hold me back…I have way too much to do. I have to get Oscar and Angelica through kindergarten and then lower, middle and high school. Then college. Then, God willing, love, marriage and children of their own. In between there will be bullies, school plays, exams, boy/girlfriend heartbreaks, acne, sport tournaments, discrimination, tryouts, campouts, the passing of pets, and on and on. They need me. I have to prepare them for life. They have both had more loss in their short years then some experience in a lifetime. I will NOT be another loss…I will not!
So, you see Cancer, what I still have to do here is way more important than you. Go away, Cancer…melt…disappear…vanish…evaporate. You do not stand a chance!

Secret Santa

Thank you to whoever left the amazingly generous gifts on the front yard for the children! I am sure you know this but that was a gift for our whole family, and it was especially special for me and Molly to see the JOY in their faces. WOW!!! So amazing...so wonderful. Opening the door and seeing the surprises is somehting none of us will ever forget.

I am not trying to "out" you online but I would love to thank you in person so please send me a clue. tee-hee

xoxo

All is calm...

My 3rd FEC75 infusion is done! Thank you Lord. And I feel okay...thank you again, Lord. Before I post pictures I want to wish each of you the warmest Holiday wishes. I hope it is calm and bright wherever you are. I hope each of you is wrapped in a warm blanket of love...that you are healthy, happy, peaceful and have lots of joy in your lives. Thank you so very much for all the love and support you have given me. As always, words just don't do it. Please know that each of you have touched and humbled me. Thank you.

Monday started early with my dear friends Christiane and Amy caring for the children...all day! Thank you friends! Molly and I got to Baylor, had my blood work done and then went up to the Oncologist's office for my exam before the chemo. We had been waiting for a while and I had to go make a pit stop. When I was coming back down the hall to my exam room, here is what greeted me! Carrie the Festive Christmas Carol. She was gorgeous and lit up the whole place!!! It was awesome!!



The rest of the pictures just show the process. I am not sure why I post all these, except that I was so curious before I started all this and maybe you are too. Maybe I can demystifying the procedure. Also I want a place to show my children to make it less scary for them. I hope seeing these pictures do not bring back sad memories for some of you.

The only bummer of the day was that I forgot the Lidocane to numb the port area. So it hurt when the nurse accessed it and when the drugs were going in. As the nurse said, I probably won't forget again. But it was fine.














xoxo

Going to bed...

...but had to share a little funny snapshot of my chemo day. (Carrie and Molly did it again...they were wonderful!) I shall call this piece "A day in the life...". No. How about "Still life with...". No. How about "Injecting the magic elixir to get me well"... I will post the whole play-by-play tomorrow (or the next day depending on how I feel). It will be a fascinating, gripping, keep-you-on-the-edge-of-your-seat, mesmerizing look into the not-so-secret life of oncology. Stay tuned, faithful friends. Sweet, peaceful dreams to all of you. xoxo

Follicular challanged...

How is that...better than "My hair" as a post title?

In the last week my hair has been coming out in large chunks. I just looked terrible. My hair was dead on my head...dry and brittle and breaking off when I would brush it...or touch it for that matter. Plus it was getting into everything and clogging my shower drain. Gross! If I was a migratory bird I would be stuck here until the molting stopped. LOL Sooooooooooooo on Saturday morning, with the help of my dear sweet Carrie as butcher...oops, I mean barber and my sister Molly as photographer extraordinaire, we DID IT! We shaved my head. I was terrified but not as scared as Oscar who hid in the closet the whole time.

Carrie did a fantastic job...truly. And Molly, Carrie and Angelica loved me & nurtured me through the whole scary event. I could not ask for a more loving support system. Thank you Carrie and Molly...so much.

So as I reflect back I have to say it was not bad...truly. I am already used to it. But we may go get more hats just in case! Baby Gap, here we come!!

xoxo

p.s. Oscar has already come around and loves rubbing my cue ball...sweet boy!

Photo and video editing at www.OneTrueMedia.com

My hair...

Okay, so this is probably not the first...or the last...post with this title. Things are a little scary north of the forehead. When I wake up in the morning, I look like this (only not this good):



And Angelica just confirmed it for me. She is sitting on my lap as I type this and she just pointed to the photo and said "Mommy!!".

Big changes happening in the morning. I can't take the hair falling out and getting into everything. Wish me luck. I am nervous.

xoxo

A Christmas gift to my talented sisters

This requires no introduction. I love you crazy girls!

p.s. Make sure your volume is up.

Baby Jesus

My sweet Angelica is talking up a storm. Seems like overnight she went from that baby speak that only I could understand to full fledged, talking up a storm, hand-on-her-hips-you-know-nothing-mother-and-it-is-no-wonder-because-you-have-a-tiny-head sassy speak. But it is okay because she is perfectly precious. And we are working on the sassy part.

Anyway, along with cultivating her vocabulary, she is also working on quite the buddha belly. She is rather rotund right around the middle. And it only adds to her perfect cuteness. In fact, she is proud of it and I just love that. She will rub it and I swear in her head she is making a wish. So this weekend she told me that she had a baby in her tummy. Oh my. An opportunity for me to practice the art of distraction. Later she told me she had baby Jesus in her tummy. Oh my. Then she felt the need to tell the cashier at Target who just looked at me like "Good luck with that".

I realize this is a great parenting opportunity. But I keep coming up blank. She is 3 years old. Any idea, you guys? I am open to all suggestions.

Here she is in all her glory (sucking her tummy in).

xoxo

Laughter IS the best medicine!

My very dear and very old friend, Carrie, went hat shopping with me. When I say old I do not mean she is old, just that we have known each other forever. And we laugh a lot together...always have. Remind me to tell you some time about our "trust issues" exercise and how she ended up in physical therapy for a year. I think she still has nerve damage in her arm. Anyway, she is gorgeous...truly...inside and out. Here we are several years ago on New Year's Eve. This is the only photo out of hundreds over the years that is suitable for posting. Our other great friend Brenda is on the left. Important to note, Brenda was a significant contributor in the "trust issue" debacle.
And here she is laughing her brains out after causing me excruciating pain by ripping off my stick-on bra and most of the surrounding skin.


So back to hat shopping. I have been looking around but after lunch Carrie and I decided to get serious about it. Baseball caps are great but what if I actually go somewhere and wear something other than sweatpants? I would be stuck. I am definitely closer to Captain Stubing than my old self....for now...temporarily.

So we drive around to a couple places and try on hats. Carrie would put on a hat, tug it down snug and it would look great. She would hand it to me and I would put it on...and it would literally fall down to my chin. Turns out I have the world's smallest head. Just one more thing I have in common with the sauropod. I suspected as much when Oscar and I share sunglasses but I truly had no idea just how small my head is. No matter what hat she put on, she looked like either Audrey Hepburn in Breakfast at Tiffany's or Diane Keaton in Annie Hall. And no matter what hat I tried on I looked like a robber...or a gangsta'...or an elf...or a 4 year old playing dress-up. We laughed our head's off. And then her husband called on her cell and suggested we try Baby Gap or the American Girl store. More peels of laughter! What a fun time....thank you Carrie. I love you!!

xoxo

p.s. Target had the best hats and prices in case you too suffer from a tiny head.

p.s.s. Oscar and I this morning ... notice the similar cranial circumference ?

I may have gone too far...

Oscar and I were juicing oranges this morning. He asked for a slice of orange and so I peeled him an especially beautiful orange. I got on my "we must always be grateful, Oscar" kick. I was explaining to him about how there are people in this world that would view that orange as the most beautiful thing they have ever seen. That orange would be more than they could ever even ask for or expect for Christmas. That orange would be like gold to them. That orange may very well be a flavor that they have never experienced because they have never have such a treasure as that gorgeous golden orange.

I want my kids to always understand that we are rich. We have a house, a car, clothes, food and clean water. We can turn a handle and water comes out! This puts us in the top 5% of richest people in the world. We sometime forget to think about it this way. I explained to him that there are more than 1 billion people in the world without access to clean water, especially in Africa. Water, pure and simple. I explained how some children in the world live in cardboard houses with dirt floors. When it rains, the rain may even fall on their heads because they have no roof.

Please understand I was soft in my explanations. I was not pummeling him, but rather we were just talking. We talk about things like this when we see a homeless person. I should have known by his reaction to those conversations to take it slow. Because when we see the guys begging on the corner it usually results in some begging inside the car. "Let's give him a ride!" "We have to give him our car, Mom" "Have you got any money in your purse? GIVE IT TO HIM!"

Anyway, this morning, after my soft but way-too-much-information oration, Oscar came unglued. He is such an empathetic child. He cares so much. I pray he never loses this trait (or at treats his sister with some of that kindness...LOL). He was insistent that we go to the store THAT instant to get food for those children. He was trying to explain it to me like I was the child...because, after all, it is that simple, right? Up at Tom Thumb there are rows and rows and rows of food. How can there be so much food right up the street and none where those children are? We just have to get it to them. He sat in the car the whole time I took my shower and got ready because he wanted to get to the store.

I wish it were that easy.

xoxo

p.s. I know this sounds suspiciously like a total bragging post about my sweet Oscar...and it is. But it is never far from my mind how I can make a difference. I long to move somewhere to help the poor but have never had the courage. Now some of you are helping me. And I am so overwhelmed with gratitude and LONG for the day when I am 100% giving instead of receiving. One charity I found last year that I love is Charity Water. They are so smart. They have private donors, foundations, and sponsors help pay for flights to Africa, staff, and office rent. So 100%...100%....of the donations go directly to fund freshwater projects in developing nations. Each $20 can give one person clean, safe drinking water for 20 years. Okay, sorry...I am done. Everyone has charities that are near and dear to their hearts.

8:00 and all is well....!!

Hi everybody-

I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaack! And I am SO grateful. Thanks God.

What a miserable couple days. But I felt great today. I am so thankful that I have such a strong body and that I am so healthy. I am sure that sounds nuts, cuz, well, cuz I have cancer. But I swear that if I was not as healthy as I am that I would probably be in the hospital. I will not bore you with any details. But looking at the timeline, it seems that about day 8 or so after my FEC5 chemo infusions, my body revolts. So, hallelujah, I get another short vacation from my pills tonight and maybe tomorrow night. I feel like an ungrateful brat since I know this clinical trial is crucial to my remission. lol It will just be good to have this small break like last time around.

By the way, not sure if I told you guys this, but they did NOT reduce my chemo infusion by 25%. My research nurse told me that in error. So I got the full juice but the clinical trial Tykerb pills were knocked from 1,500 mg a night down to 1,250. Anywho....it is all good.

Megan left today which is always hard on both of us. Thank goodness that cabbie nearly knocked her outta the way in the passenger dropoff lane or we would probably still be out there hugging. We have loved my sister's caring visits more than words can say. Michele, Megan, Suzanne, MB...all of them just rock. And Molly will be here for my 3rd chemo and more importantly Jesus' birthday so it will be a big time.

We have had a glorious night. We had a delicious, quiet dinner. Then we read Junie B. Jones in front of the fire, played with cars and just enjoyed watching the hounds play. Now the kids are down and I am still up and functioning. It is a great night.

I know I am a dork, but I have to share this. There is never a need to give the dogs their own chew toys. They will always end up with one.....more fun that way. This is one thing in life that brings me complete joy. Right up there with listening to my children tell me story about their day.

My money is on the little one.

Love and heartfelt thanks to all of you for your thoughts, prayers, messages, calls and e-mails!

xoxo

p.s. I have mastered the combover, in case you are curious, because believe me - I AM! I run to the mirror every morning to see the status of my noggin. LOL

For the women I rely on...

What an amazing essay this is........I am so deeply touched by it. This is Kelly Corrigan, author of The Middle Place and Circus of Cancer. She is really a gifted writer. My sweet friend Aimee hooked me up with her when she found out I had cancer...because Kelly is a survivor.

I hope you enjoy this as much as I did. Grab a hanky.





xoxo

Blog Bog

I am sorry I have not posted much lately. I have not been feeling well and am much more creative when I have energy & am more on my game. Put it this way, I enjoy writing when I feel better. More soon because this can't last.

xoxo

My angel

It was one year ago today that Angelica officially, legally became my daughter forever. Her story, like Oscar's, is a testament to the resilience of these strong, beautiful children. Their stories are their own to share so I won't go into the details of just how much each of these children have endured. But suffice to say, they are both my heros.

I saw this poem someplace and loved it.

Today I kissed an angel
I knew it from the start
The first time my angel smiled at me I gave away my heart
Today I kissed an angel…this angel child of mine
Though not of my creation, my child by God's design
Today I kissed an angel
My heart is dancing wild, a family made by miracles and blessed by this
angel child.

Below are some photos from the last year.

This is the first time I saw Angelica's sweet face. They had layers and layers of clothes on her. She was so malnourished. At 14 months she was still under 12 pounds.

Oscar and I travelled a total of 8 times to visit Angelica. I may have spent part of their college education but it was worth it for her transition to be a smooth as possible. I wanted her to know us rather than for us to be some strangers who swoop down and whisk her onto an airplane to a far away land.

This photograph below is one of my favorites. Oscar want on a bug hunt in the hotel courtyard and came back with a bounty of bugs. Angelica was THRILLED....squealing with delight. Love it!!!! I have two bug hunters!

Our first family swim. I do not think Angelica had ever stepped foot into a body of water before. But she took to it like, well, a duck to water. And has been a FISH every since. At 2 years old she was swimming without help or floaties and even diving for pennies with her brother.

Precious baby!

Always smiling...

And today...

Thanks for letting me share!

xoxo

2nd chemo

I am officially half way through the first phase of my year long treatment. I had my second chemo yesterday. I was glad to have my sister Suzanne was with me. I assured her it would be a quick day. I lied. We got there at 8:30 and got home around 3. Turns out the infusion center has its own version of Black Friday. lol. My dear friend Tari, a survivor, gave me this advice at the beginning of this process and it has helped me...ya' know, set expectations:
"Be patient with the ridiculous and never ending delay and bureaucracy of the medical world. The frustration and waiting will be astounding but it will all happen in good time."

I have felt okay and am sleeping like a rock other than getting up every 3 hours last night, which was really hard to do because I was wiped out. But the thought of chemicals searing the lining of your bladder is very motivating.

Thanksgiving was wonderful. Having the Lanza's here with us was really special. I wanted to post but I couldn't come up with anything to write. Truly. Not because I am not grateful for the bounty of blessings in my life but rather that I have so.so.so.very.much to be thankful for that I didn't know where to start! So I commit to write a post dedicated to all I am thankful for, I will do that in the coming weeks. I am always thinking about it and thanking God. So it will be a fun post to write.

xoxo