I am hesitant to write again about my fears. For the most part, they are at bay. But every once in a while they will grip me. It's like getting hit really hard in a pillow fight....it whooshes the air right out of my lungs. That sounds like a terrible analogy. But truly it is not like getting hit with a brick. It is more deceiving than that. It comes on soft and then just undoes me.
I have a debilitating fear of dying, not for me but for my children. In the "The Secret" vernacular just by thinking about dying means I am bringing it to me or causing it (for lack of a better description). I am trying hard....very hard....to avoid thinking about it. I don't want to give it energy....don't want to fuel it. I am lucky that positive thinking is more my nature.
The other good news is that the bouts with fear ARE getting less frequent. And nights like tonight when I wake with a start out of a dead sleep and am experiencing that bladder-weakening, heart-stopping fear, I go to each of the kid's rooms to nuzzle their necks with kisses and then climb back into my own bed to visit with my faithful Father. Please God, don't let the cancer come back. I know You have a Master Plan but please, I pray, let me raise my children.
7 comments:
You WILL raise your children; that is why you have them. Fear is normal and I cannto imagine all that you go through. But I do knwo that you have those kids for a reason. You will see them graduate and marry and you will have grandbabies. You are in my thoughts, Lori N.
HE is the great physician. HE has healed you. HE hears your prayers and HE hears all of us praying for you. You are in my thoughts and prayers. You will grow old and wrinkly and your hair will turn white. We never thought that would sound so good, did we!?
Much love to you and the little babies!
Janet
Mo, prayers are covering you that the fear subsides. As Janet said, HE is the great healer and comforter...nothing that "the secret" can compare to. Check out Psalm 91 as a great reassurance.
Love to you, Oscar and Angelica.
~ Jane-o
Sending you good mojo from Colorado!
Love you!
Leigh Kendra and Alex
Maureen,
"Fears of recurrence are very common," says oncologist Marisa Weiss, MD, founder of Breastcancer.org and the author of Living Beyond Breast Cancer. "They're particularly persistent as you're first leaving active treatment, when you go from seeing an oncologist of some kind every week or every other week to checkups every three months, and then every six months. You may expect that you'll want to throw yourself a party on your last day of chemo or radiation, only to find that you're a little melancholy or fearful, thinking, 'Maybe I should be getting more treatments just to be sure?' "
"Treatments keep you busy and occupied and they take a long time," says Bernard. "When you finish treatment you're at loose ends, wondering if it will come back. I was having six-month checkups, and then my oncologist said, ''I'll see you in a year.' I said, 'What? Are you sure you don't want to see me before then?' I told him I'd start camping out in the hall waiting for appointments. You want to think that someone's still watching."
So how do you handle these fears? First, understand that what Weiss calls "separation anxiety" is normal. "It's hard to shift back to a life where treatment is less in your face than it was before," she says.
Okay I copied all of this from a Support Website. It may help to know your Feras are normal.
Love You Barbara
Hang is there SISTER!!! You are such a trooper and have handled your last year with grace, faith and love.. all given to you by God. Another good psalm to read is psalm 143. My bible study said to read it aloud and name your enemy..cancer cells. It says to keep the ememy in mind as you pray. I hope it will help you overcome your fears. Miss you around the hood. Christy
You will raise your children, Maureen. I feel it in my heart. So much love to you!
Rachel
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