I am 43 years old and have never spent a night in a hospital. I am scared.
I have had the hardest time deciding whether or not to write this post. And, if I did write it, how much I would share about my surgery. You know how I love idioms and the obvious one here is the elephant in the room. I have wanted to post & get it all out there...and on the other hand I have experienced some really unbelievable people lately that seem to want to point out all the errors in my logic (regarding my surgery decisions). They have no qualm about sharing their unsolicited opinion. Please know that I do not mind the questions. Truly I do not. You guys know me....I am a chatter box. What I do mind is the unsolicited opinions about what is a VERY personal decision, one that I agonized over. And one that I am very happy with...more on that later. I have been hesitant to write this part because I would not want anyone to feel the need to sensor what they say around me. But, seriously, I am SHOCKED by how liberal some people are - relative strangers - with their opinions on what I should be doing with my body. I think we have all encountered this in some way or another in our life. It makes me really conscious of how NOT to be if I have the opportunity to help others in the future.
Okay...that last paragraph above sounded crabby. I am sorry. I am just a tad raw from the input.
Back in October when I was diagnosed with breast cancer I had a knee jerk reaction: cut them both off and, oh, while you're at it take the rest of my female organs too. Sorry to be graphic. Like I said, this is going to be a tough but honest post.....I am laying it all out there. Well, most of it.
Anyway, I suspect that that knee jerk reaction is not uncommon. They tell you that you have cancer and you just want it cut out. But getting your brain around the enormity of the surgery is something else. Then add on all the decisions that have to be made: single mastectomy, double mastectomy, lumpectomy, skin-sparing, reconstruction, no reconstruction. It is overwhelming. Remember my post called Relief... After meeting with the doctors and determining how big my non-focal tumor was and other information, it made my decision to have the bilateral mastectomy much easier (modified-radical on the right and simple on the left).. What a gift, right? I thank God for the peace I have feel!
Well, the hardest of all decisions was yet to come. To reconstruct or not. Whodathunk?? Of course I would reconstruct! Again, knee-jerk. Then life & doctors & fate slowly revealed to me ALL the specifics I needed to make the right decision for me. I am grateful for the gradual spoon-feeding of information.
Following surgery, I'll have 7 weeks of daily radiation. Radiation destroys the tissue, etc of the area it treats. I am very slender. All the plastic surgeons I spoke with indicated that I would need one of the procedures that basically takes tissue, blood supply, skin and muscle from somewhere else on your body to create a pocket (autologous tissue reconstruction) for a fake breast. Just some of these options are:
- Latissimus Dorsi Flap
- Transverse Rectus Abdominis Muscle Flap
- Deep Inferior Epigastric Perforator Flap
- Gluteal Artery Perforator Flap
- Superficial Inferior Epigastric Artery Flap
Whichever one I choose, reconstructing would mean multiple surgeries over the next couple years. Aughhhhhh!
There are no less than 30 items on my t-bar, Ben Franklin, whatever you want to call my decision-making list of pros and cons. I will not share them all here but suffice to say that NOT reconstructing won by a mile. I want my life back...sooner rather than later. I want to get back 100% to my kids, my family, my job and my life.
I will grieve this loss. Make no mistake, this will be life-altering in ways I cannot yet imagine, hard as I try. I won’t really know until they are gone. I know I will grieve. The surgery will be an amputation of, really, one of my favorite things about my body. It is intensely scary and overwhelming, but the start of my “new normal” and I am ready for it…more than ready for it. I am really excited (albeit scared) to get the surgery over and move on to the next phase. And get better each day!!
I question whether I would have reconstructed if my mastectomy occurred before chemo? Up to now, I've had 7 months of treatment and I'm exhausted....and I still have radiation and 6 more months of treatments in my port!
At my 5 year mark, risk of cancer re-occurrence drops dramatically. I can look into reconstruction then if I want to.
AFTER I had made my decision and was basking in the peace I felt and thanking God for the gift of gratifying contentedness (LOL...is that a word?)...and I came across this video. I love her!
See what good friends you all are...near and far...physical and virtual!!! I feel safe enough to post this with you!
Thank you for being with me. I am truly humbled daily by the outpouring of support. I know you will be with me on Tuesday, which makes this all bearable!
xoxo
p.s. Megan and Suzy will be my guest blogger while I am out. They will update the blog after surgery and let you know how I am doing.
17 comments:
You are such an amazing person!! You inspire me :)
xoxo
Erica McCrary
Maureen, just know that we are here to support you in whatever decisions you make. It is your body and your life after all!
I will be with you in sprit on Tuesday as I am every day.
Good thoughts, prayers, and love to you and your family.
Martha
Maureen, I am humbled by your being able to share so much of your personal journey. Reading this post of course moved me. It is your body and I can't even imagine how hard these decisions have been. Please know that I think of you every day and keep you and your family in my prayers. I'll be lighting a candle for you on Tues, praying that the surgery and recovery go well and that you are at peace. All the best to you, honey.
Hugs,
Damaris
Good for you....I had immediate reconstruction with my very similar bi-lateral mas however I got an infection from the fills and had to have emergency surgery to have them removed and caused my chemo which I did after to be delayed....I decided to stop it too and did my 1 1/2 years of chemo and 7 wks of rads with lots of boost where my expanders would have been...it just did not bother me being without...I had always knew I would reconstruct as you say through my own thoughts and delibertaion, but I did not mind being without at all honestly. My options for recon were limited due to some issues from rads and the first recon. I think I have shared with you I chose DIEP..each doctor that sees it is amazed and hey it is nice, but I am just not certain that I am amazed in the big picture after you have children how necessary truly are the breasts??!! Not to disregard the beautiful femine trait of breast but hey when it is a choice that you have been through and for the reasons...it is a different outlook. I think it is great take your time and you are right compiing all the treatments and surgeries it is tough I think I have had 9-10 surgeries in 2 1/2 years and it is not easy...I may have given myself more time...just go with your gut and many many people wait for a long time or then decide not to do it at all...what is pressing is finishing your treatments and healing and be able to get back to your kids and life as you wish....I think maybe people are trying to help you make an informed decision and hopefully not passing judgement although it is certainly hard to tell sometimes. You sound so strong in all you are doing take time and take care and kick this cancers butt....I am so proud for you and will be praying for you to have a gentle and easy surgery and quick healing I am going to send you and email with a little something I want to share....fists up we can never ever give up...God has you in his hands!! Sorry for my book
Maureen, I so enjoyed our celebration last week! Your circle of friends is amazing! You will still be you with or without those boobies!! It will be an adjustment, but you are an expert at making adjustments, so don't worry. I will be praying for you and thinking about you on Tuesday. God will be with you :)
You go girl! We are all here to support you and all your decisions. Rest knowing that you are in the best of hands on Tueday. Dr. Grant will take every measure to make sure you are comfortable. You are always in my prayers.
Love you,
Carrie
You don't know me (another mommy to a Guat tot) but I check in regularly and your post moved me to write. I will have you and your family in my thoughts and prayers this week and I will check in for the updates on your recovery.
I am utterly amazed when others think they have the answers for someone but themselves. YOU get to say.
As usual, you are in my thoughts and I send you strength and peace. You continue to inspire me.
Lori N.
You are amazing. I know you might be (might be? Jeez) anxious about getting tomorrow over with. I am praying for your continued peace. I am praying for your family, and for your Dr.'s and nurses.
Much Love, Janet
All my love to you, my dear. I will be thinking of you on Tuesday. I congratulate your bravery and intelligence for knowing yourself and your body and making the right decision. Bravo! I look forward to hearing from Megan and Suzy about what will be a splendid success. Love you always. --Janice.
maureen...your faith and your instincts will never lead you wrong..and this decision is no exception. it is correct and it is right for you.
even though they are physically, symbolically and emotionally a large part of our physical self, they are always changing anyway...
a big positive is now you will never have to worry about me taking care of you when you are 85 and dressing you to go out with a brand new outfit and accidentally tucking your sagging boobs into your pants like i did to grandma !!!
L.O.V.E. you, brave sister!
michele
Maureen,
I am so glad that you are listening to YOU and not to the many many opinions. It is your body and only you know what you want to endure over the next few months and years.
I will be thinkiing and praying for you and sending good thoughts your way,
Sally
Maureen---I'm praying that your surgery goes even better than expected. God's hand will guide your doctors' hands and heal you completely. I can't wait to hear the great news when it's over. Take care, and be sure to make your "guest bloggers" keep us up to date. You're so strong and inspiring to so many, including me. Hugs and prayers from OKC.
Susie
You are beautiful inside and out. Today and tomorrow and many days after that... I'll be thinking of you this week!
“The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched, they must be felt with the heart” - Helen Keller
Maureen,
Our prayers are with you, especially today. And I applaud your choice--it's YOUR choice! Your courage is stunning. I can only imagine the loss will be painful, yet NOTHING can ever mar your true beauty.
XOXO - Chris
You and your beautiful family are always in my thoughts and prayers.
Donna
Hi Maureen.
My thoughts and prayers are with you today during your surgery.
When Dan had is heart valve replacement in 2007, he had to decide if he was going to get the mechanical valve or the pig valve. It was an agonizing choice. I cannot imagine how difficult it would be to try to choose such things. It is an intensely personal decision.
Dan opted for the mechanical valve--which means two things--no more surgeries in the future and a lifetime of drugs that limit his life in other ways.
So far (two years and counting) it was a great decision! It has not been as hard as we imagined with the continual blood testing, diet changes and no or limited drinking.
The biggest plus, however, is in our knowing he doesn't need any more surgeries. They are stressful and scary and full of risk, despite all the rockstar Doctors out there. I salute your decision(s).
Hold strong Maureen. You are an inspiration and a beautiful person stopped momentarily to see the world through a different lens.
Know you are loved and respected.
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