Reaching out...

Speaking to my friend Barbara this morning was a wake up call about something I need to do. I need to share more than just the happy, sunny days. Truth is, there are so many happy sunny days and my personality is such that staying in the positive these days is critical to my overall well-being. But sharing what I need to share and reaching out to all of you does not diminish the positive.

I am struggling. On a couple different levels.

So here is the scoop...grab a cup of joe. This is a long post.

On October 2 I saw my new oncologist. I really like her. I had persistant pain in my right ribs. She suggested a chest x-ray and scans. I had those October 6. On October 13 I went to see her for the results.

According to her, I had 3 broken ribs (did I?). But what was more concerning to her was a spot on my lung. She listed all the possibilities but said she felt certain is was cancer. She was so sure that she cancelled my infusion for the next day because she said I had progression while on that treatment so there was no point in continuing. Now, please understand, I really do like her and trust her. So as I continue this saga please know that none of this is a criticism of her.

She ordered a lung biopsy ASAP.

I immediately reached out to Dr. O and Priscilla, my beloved team of caregivers in Dallas. Their response: PHOOEY! They are adamant that it is scar tissue or something else. They did not see the scans, just the radiologist report, which I might add says : "Focal density is primary versus metastatic cancer until proven otherwise". I guess they have to say that. Who knows.

Anyway, in my search for peace and answers, I got several copies of my tests on disk and overnighted them to my awesome brother-in-law, Donald and Dr. DeLeon (my hero from Dallas who, despite no evidence of anything wrong still ordered the biopsy back when I was originally diagnosed) and a couple others that I love and trust.

I am getting opinions from them all. Bottom line: I have yet to get the lung biopsy. Still waiting to hear back from a couple folks but leaning towards not doing the biopsy. Or at least I was until Friday night when Dr. DeLeon called to say he agreed with my new Michigan team and he wants me to have the biopsy.

I am sure this is nothing. That is not me trying placate you or myself. It is not denial. I am just certain it will prove to be nothing. I did ask to continue receiving my infusion, which I had October 14 and am due for again November 3.

I hate drama. That is why I have been hesitant to share this with y'all (ooooh...I still know Texan). :-) This will hopefully pass soon...and hopefully it will be nothing. Hence my hesitation to even tell you about it. But I know you are here for me ... through the good and the bad and the happy, sunny days!

I want to get to the other side of all this...as in learning to live with my new normal, not getting dragged back into treatment plans and surgery schedules. There is something called "healthy survivorship" which for me means embracing my new normal, including loss of my body parts, reduced mental capacity from chemo, lost or a newly fuzzy vision of my future, treatment-related fatigue and pain, sleep issues and occasional emotional distress. ALL of them nothing compared to having cancer. Healthy survivorship is my new goal....and you know how I LOVE a challenge!

I have to learn to live with the fear of secondary cancers, metastases, heart damage from all the cardio-toxic drugs, and getting hit by a bus. Seriously, we're all terminal. I am very happy with the progress I have made on managing my fear. Because I am one of those people that believes in the power of positive thinking. And being grateful and appreciative every day results in so many, many good things!

Thank you for reading...thank you for your prayers...and thank you for caring!

xoxo