Friends don't let friends...

...blog when they are still loopy and sore from anesthesia and pain killers. But I wanted to let you know I am fine. Details later. Most important is that I also wanted you to know that I GOT IN...! I have been accepted to the Clinical Trial and I was randomly selected for Arm 2. Very exciting to me and will be to you once I explain it to you later today. I love and adore all of you. "A friend is one who strengthens you with prayers, blesses you with love and encourages you with hope." All of you (family & friends) nail all three. Thank you so much for being here for me.


"I awoke this morning with devout thanksgiving for my friends, the old and the new."
Ralph Waldo Emerson

xoxo

Funny!

Peace

During my international adoptions to bring Oscar and Angelica home I was a complete train wreck. I knew I would be in a powerless situation - a very uncomfortable place for me. But knowing it and living it are two different things. I would give it over to God and then take it back. So much turmoil and anxiety!! And it was because I took my eyes off Him.

Here I sit nearly 11 months after bringing Angelica home and I am wrapped in peace. A peace that can only come from God and your loving support and your prayers. God was faithful during my adoptions, despite my weakness. Now I have a choice and I chose to "walk by faith and not by sight". Like Peter, I will keep my eye on Him. I will walk in His blessings...and I will be fine. The complete and utter peace I feel is an awesome blessing and I thank Him every day.


xoxo

Pin cushion

Yesterday went great! I was at Baylor for around 6 hours and got nearly every test accomplished. The longest one was the bone scan. Did you know last week was Nuclear Science week? Whoda thunk? I got to enjoy some of the left over festivities.

That Baylor hospital runs like a finely tuned machine. The bone scan involved a radioactive dye injection, then waiting a couple hours for it to seep into the bones. They managed to get all my other tests in while the seeping was going on. I had about a gallon of blood taken for all the panels, I had an ECHO, an EKG, a stress test of sorts. Every test or blood draw was in a different building on the Baylor campus so I got to enjoy a gorgeous fall day. Then I went and climbed into the bone scan machine and napped for about an hour. All in all, a good, productive day.

Good news, the bone scan looked great! The only trauma he could see throughout my whole body was my bunions. Damn those spike heals of the 80's and 90's!


xoxo

Royal Loyal Love

Look at this sea of love. So many people walking to raise money for breast cancer research.

My neighbor Leslie, aka Queen Bee, organized a group of amazing people to walk in the Dallas Koman walk this past weekend. Girls, I felt the love...thank you so much!

xoxo

Ouch!

I looked at my bank account. Haven't done that since August. What was I thinking!?! Why did I look!?! Good thing I am diversified. I have Lehman, Merrill Lynch and AIG stock.

xoxo

5 years...wow!

The doctors have told me that this cancer has been with me for a while, possibly as long as 5 years. This sorta flips me out. How can that be when I have been so fastidious with my annual mammograms?!?!? My mom died of breast cancer...so I have taken that annual appointment very serious.

But lately I have had a new perspective. I am not trying to be annoyingly optimistic. It is just that I cannot change what has happened. And there truly are so many more positive things for me to focus on.

So here I go. My David Letterman Top 10 reasons why all this is happening now.

10. I am too distracted to worry about the Stock Market. Is it down to 10,000 yet?

9. Ditto, except with the candidates. I know I should be embarrassed to admit this. But I am just not involved in this election. The whole thing makes my blood pressure go up so I am taking a pass...just this one time.

8. I finally got my hair all one length and long....and it bugs me. Can't wait to shave it all off most days. Ha! Now my wish is coming true.

7. Right now I am physically and emotionally stronger than I have ever been in my life. I can handle this.

6. I have finished all the final renovations on my dated 60's ranch house.

5. Moving to this neighborhood created a whole other social network for me. I am blessed with amazing friends, truly amazing. I could astound you with stories of how Carrie, Brenda, Linda, Elizabeth, Shelly, Julie B., Lorrie W., Susan and so many others have been such good friends. Now, living in University Meadows Neighborhood, that circle has grown (and I have taken up Pokeno). If this was 5 years ago I would have still been in the hood and would not know Lorrie, Kellie, Christy, Leslie, Becky, Julie, Stacy, Bettina, Allie, Lisa, Colleen, Tilly, Francie, Davanel and so many others. In fact, if I was still in my old neighborhood I would have to ask one of the homeless guys on the corner to take me to my chemo appointments. lol

4. In the last many years I have LOVED, loved my job and working with the fabulous people I call my SkillSoft family. My company, SkillSoft , is the best! The people I work with and for are truly my family. And the solutions we provide rock, in case any of you out there reading work at 7-Eleven Corporate headquarters (where I have been trying to get my foot in the door for 2 years. please return my phone calls) :-)

3. I am closer to my church now than 5 years ago. In fact, 5 years ago I think I was still a "strick-Catholic-school-upbringing" rebel. This one must also include our school family. Both my kids are at Zion Lutheran. Oh my gosh...our school family is made up of some of the nicest people in the whole world!!! They really love Oscar and Angelica ... and we ADORE all of them!

2. My sisters and I have all matured and become best friends over the last several years. We are all close, always have been, but over the last couple years we seem to all be more accepting of each other. Even though it is still a burden for me to be the only normal one in this family! ha ha ha Just kidding...little family joke.

1. If this had been discovered 5 years ago, I would not have my children. 'Nough said.


God is so good!


xoxo

Clinical Trial

I met with my Oncologist yesterday. Her name is Dr. Joyce O'Shaughnessy. Click on her name to hear her talking about Neoadjuvant chemotherapy like I will have. (You'll have to hit your back button after you watch her "quick talk").

She is awesome! I heard someone call her the "cancer whisperer". LOL....I think that is true. I couldn't ask for a better captain of our team!!

She feels I am a great candidate for a clinical trial going on at MD Anderson and Baylor. It basically adds a couple chemo cocktails to my regimen. I will know on Tuesday if I am in. Feels like I am going through pledge week. Please pray I get in.

So here is what will be happening with me, less some of the more mundane details.

* I go in for a small surgery on Wednesday. They will take lymph nodes, do a surgical biopsy and install the port in my chest (for giving chemo, taking blood, etc)

* I heal for about a week then start my first treatment, which is 2 weeks of some weekly and some daily treatments

* Then I have another surgical biopsy

* Next is 4 rounds of FEC75 (which is 5-FU, Epirubicin, and Cyclophosphamide) given every 3 weeks. This is one of the chemos. In addition, depending on which arm of the clinical trial I am chosen for, I will get either a daily drug for my HER2 breast cancer OR oral drug called lapatinib that interrupts cancer-causing cellular signals OR both (pray for both).

* Following that I will have 12 weeks of chemotherapy weekly. Again, depending on which arm of the clinical trial I am chosen for, I will get either a daily drug for my HER2 breast cancer OR lapatinib OR both (pray for both).

* After all of that, I will have the double mastectomy.

* After surery, there is 6 months of Herceptin treatments every 3 weeks via IV combined with 7 weeks of radiation (easy).

This is all VERY good.....good medicine to get me on the other side of this chapter in my life. I am really excited to get started.

GREAT news...Megan is coming in on Tuesday. Yahooooooo! I am so happy!



You have no idea how much all your kind calls, e-mails and cards mean to me. Truly, I am so lucky to have such an incredible support system. Thank you...so much!

xoxo

Vegetarian at 5 (now 6)

I swear Oscar is already a vegetarian. We had a lunch date at Jason's yesterday. I got the turkey sandwich. Oscar got the salad bar and ate almost all bean sprouts (or "hair" as he calls it).

And then something happened earlier this week that reminded me of somethink that happened a couple months ago. After a fun Moons Family Outing to the Farmer's Market, I told Oscar to get in the shower. I was on the phone in the other room but I heard him sneaking into the kitchen. Kids always think they are so stealth-like. But he was wet from the shower so not only did I hear the squish of his feet, but I could follow the wet footprints from the bathroom into the kitchen. I was actually about to get cross at him but, when I pulled back the shower curtain, here is what I found:



He was sneaking more lettuce...! So funny. So what happened yesterday is he was negotiating with me for a treat. He said "If I eat 10 carrots can I have some more of those little brown things? Ya' know, the brown things with white inside". I could not figure out what he was talking about. My sick mind went to Ding-Dongs (although we do not have any of those in the house but I still dream about them...lol). He went and got them for me. He was talking about raw almonds.

Now, Angelica, that is a whole other story.......


Today is going to be a GREAT day and I will be on my way to getting better!!



Maureen

Two weeks ago tonight...

Can it be? Just 2 short weeks ago I got The Call. Crazy! And ya' know what? Life just goes on. The new puppy still poops in the house, the stock market continues it's downward spiral, the deals I am trying to close at work run their zig zag course, the candidates continue to pummel each other. Egoistically, I thought the world would stop. :) I am just kidding. It's just surreal, that's all.

I love this picture of Oscar. It is a little dated...Halloween 2006. But it is still my favorite!!



Tomorrow is a big day for me! More soon...

Dr. Carpenter and assorted other news

I met with Dr. Carpenter. I don't think he gets me (my personality or sense of humor). He did laugh at one point. But mostly he just cocked his head and stared at me. We do have a good plan once I can have my surgery after chemo. He and Dr. Grant will work closely during my process. I will tell you that I am in GREAT hands. He may have a dry personality but the man is, by all accounts, a genius!

Nancy at Dr. Grant's office called me this morning to let me know she has an appointment confirmed for me with Dr. O'Shaughnessy, the oncologist, on Thursday at 4:00. I know I always say this but I WILL know lots more on Thursday, like when they will put my port in, when I will have my first chemo, what my chemo schedule will be, if I will have radiation therapy or not, what support I will have for my immune system as I go through chemo....lots of good information.

On a side note, I have decided I should not be driving a car. I nearly took on the Light Rail this morning. I would have lost. And I wore my shirt inside out to the doctor's office. How am I doing? LOL

xoxo

Relief

I know this is a crazy title for the blog entry I am about to write. But honestly, that is what I am feeling.

Let me start with the great news. My PET/CT scan is clear! That is the best news! As the details unfold about my cancer, it is fantastic that it is only in my breast(s). In my heart I knew it would be fine, but I am so grateful for the confirmation.

I spent the weekend struggling with what I thought was a decision I needed to make about my treatment. I prayed, I meditated, I talked it through with family and friends. I would make a decision and 10 minutes later change my mind. Almost everyone had the same advice: take 'em both off. And that was my knee-jerk reaction also. Dr. Grant, my surgeon, however, explained to me that the outcomes were the same for lumpectomy versus mastectomy. Lumpectomy has a much faster recovery time. But mastectomy would give me more piece of mind. But lumpectomy was effective with radiation. But mastectomy meant no more mammograms and MRIs. Teeter tottering...back and forth thinking. What if I made the wrong choice? I did NOT want to make a decision.

Now I don't have to. Hence the relief. The MRI shows a tumor of 6.8 cm. It is not round. It is multi-focal. It is big. I am no longer a good candidate for a lumpectomy. And my left breast has "strippled enhancements" so there are areas of concern there too.

I start chemo soon to shrink it.

I am having a double mastectomy.

I feel really good about the decision.

I feel relief.

Wish I had more news to share...

...but, alias, God is not done teaching me patience. I guess I will learn patience as a patient. Ha ha.

I meet with Dr. Carpenter on Tuesday so I feel certain I will know much more by then. In the meantime, I have been so incredibly lucky to talk with so many women that have been through this. Brave women, true survivors...! And everyone is so open to talking about their unique experience. It really helps me. I know we are all different but none of us are alone!

Michele's visit has been a Godsend. And the kids are in heaven with her here! We will all miss her when she goes home on Sunday.

xoxo

Maureen

Tests

I am thrilled to say that the 3 "biggie" tests are done. I had the MRI, PET/CT and genetics blood work all done between yesterday and today. I am hoping to have the results of the first two by tomorrow. Then 2 - 3 weeks for the genetics to see if I am BRCA positive. Who knows, the MRI and/or PET/CT scan may help me with my decisions.

I promise to keep my tens of readers updated as the news comes in. LOL

Maureen

p.s. I love posting pictures of the kids. I am shamelessly proud....they are both so beautiful inside and out. I have to explain the picture of the two of them. We were going out front to wrestle. Oscar got them both dressed as WWF wrestlers (???) which included a bonnet for Angelica. Very funny!

Big day

I love love love this shot of Angelica. She is such a toot!!


Things are really coming together. They fit me in for my MRI and PET scan tomorrow (or today - Wednesday - since it is the middle of the night). Then more tests Thursday and Friday. By the end of the week I will have had all the preliminary tests done. Yahoooooooo! Then on our way to a plan.

Michele in Dr. Grant's office called to say that my insurance company did not even balk at the PET scan. She said that this was highly unusual (she said she was shocked and was sure to get the person's name, title, etc...lol). Thank you God. Thank you SkillSoft.

I am not sure how long before I know the MRI and PET scan results but I am thrilled at how things are moving along.

Love to you all!

Maureen

A week ago today...

It is hard to believe that a week ago today my biopsy was ordered. It feels like a year. And just 5 days ago I got the news.

Anywho....

I will try to make this news an non-technical as possible because it is a bit much.

I met with Dr. Grant this afternoon. He is the surgeon I am going to work with. He is wondeful!! It felt like drinking from a firehose...there is so much information. So basically, as I sit here, I do not know anything else except these features of the cancer:

• Proliferation Index: this tell how rapidly the cancer is growing...and or how fast the cells are dividing. He wanted to see an index of less than 20%. Unfortunately mine are greater than 20% but he cannot tell me anything more than that right now.
• Estrogen & Progesterone receptor: I am negative. Kinda a drag. He said he wanted to see that as a positive.
• HER-2-NEU Oncogene: overexpression of this indicates a more aggressive cancer - present in only 1/3 of cases (yes, I cut and pasted that from my paperwork). Bummer again, I am STRONGLY positive.

So, so far I am batting 100%. lol. None of this means anything to me because they are all short-term issues. I will kick this cancer's ass and it will all be a non-issue.

By the way, they cannot put a "stage" on my cancer until after surgery. They have to look at lymph nodes, morphology, all kinds of things.

Okay, so what happens next?

• MRI - to determine the size/location of the cancer since it still is unknown (not showing on mamograms).
• PET/CT (if insurance will pay for it) or CT (if insurance won't pay for PET) - this scans the rest of my body for cancer since my type is an aggressive form.
• Gene testing - to see if I carry the gene (or The Gene). If so, then the double mastectomy is a given...it will happen.

There are so many scenarios. If there is one contained lession and the DNA testing is negative, LUMPECTOMY...yeah...please pray for this. If the lession is too big or not contained, then mastectomy. If the gene is there, then double mastectomy.

From a timing standpoint, the DNA testing takes several weeks. Aurghhhhh! But that is the biggie...and I will not make any decisions until I know those results.

Thank you for all the calls, messages, texts, e-mails.......I feel all your thoughts and am so very grateful.

Dr. Grant

Wow. This is incredible. My friends Carrie and Kyle know one of the breast surgeons (the big kahuna one!!)....really well. Kyle called him on Saturday and told him about me and that he would be seeing me on Monday. They talked for a bit and Dr. Grant asked if I wanted to talk over the weekend (Kyle correctly guessed that I would). Carrie sent me a text message that Dr. Grant would be calling me and as I was reading the text message my phone was ringing. Like a dork I sent it to voicemail. I listened to the message before calling him back. Dr. Grant's message said that Monday probably felt like an eternity away and that he would be glad to talk with me over the weekend. He left his home number for me to call him back. I did and we spoke a LONG time. He had my mammograms pulled up on his computer and was looking at all my info while we spoke.

And to think my preliminary thoughts about him were worry that I would be lost in his huge, successful practice!

Carrie also got me squeezed in to see Dr. Rob Parker (www.parkerhealthsolutions.com/welcome.asp) on Tuesday.

Thank you Carrie and Kyle!!!!

Stress

"Overwhelming amounts of stress can cause confused and distorted thinking. When in a state of heightened stress, our perception of events is viewed from a place of self-protection where all of our resources are spent on calming our own internal state of discomfort. " Heather T. Forbes

Talk about distorted. I feel like I am looking at my life through the bottom of a coke bottle. I talked to the doctor that did my biopsy, Dr. Spigal, again tonight. Honestly, he is getting on my nerves. I feel like he is spoon feeding me information. It is like pulling teeth. Usually he returns my calls while on his cell phone driving on the highway. So I get about every other word. Tonight on the phone he told me that I actually have 2 kinds of cancer: DCI and IDC. He said that it was not a small area either. Best he could tell it was around 5 centimeters (what is that...about 2 inches? Jeepers!). He said to just wait and speak with the breast surgeon and let them explain everything. So Monday I will have some answers. I am not talking to Spigal anymore.

The best news of the day: MICHELE IS COMING! Thank you Michele. I am so glad I will not be alone and I am so glad Michele will be with me. I know that every one of my sisters would be here in a heartbeat if I asked. It is such a wonderful feeling.

I have not talked to God yet about my cancer. But I have been praying hard for patience with the kids. And he has helped me...a lot. Thanks God.

This is why I know I will be okay

From Megan (and I know she speaks for all my amazing sisters and friends!): "You will not walk this road alone...we will be beside you every step of the way. And if you can't walk, then we will carry you!"

I am so lucky!

The call

Dr. Spigal called from his cell phone at around 6:00 tonight. He was right. I do have breast cancer. Specifically, I have Invasive Ductal Carcinoma. I have so many questions swirling in my mind that I am having a hard time formulating a logical thought in my head. So I am going to try to write more tomorrow.

waiting...waiting

I am a terrible waiter. Not as in serving food to people in restaurants. Rather waiting for my tea water to boil, waiting for my computer to boot up, waiting for my biopsy results.

The day after (or before)...

I guess I should go back to the beginning. About a month or so ago I noticed that my right nipple was different. It was like it was broken. I would get cold and it would not get hard. My left one would be doing it's thing but the left one would just be flat. No matter how cold I got, it just sorta sat there and did nothing. Then I suspected it was getting a little inverted. But honestly I think that was just my imagination starting to run away. I must have read something somewhere about inverted nipples. Mine was just sorta flat and lifeless.

I just had a mammogram in March but I was concerned enough that I called mid-September for a diagnostic mammogram. My appointment was Wednesday, September 24. I went in for the mammo and they decided to do a sonogram. The radiologist was adamant that there was nothing to worry about but just to be SURE he wanted me to get a biopsy. He was a nice guy. He talked with me, held my hand and looked me in the eye. He explained that he did see a little something. He also said he saw a difference between the two breasts. For those reasons, just to be safe, let's get a sonogram-assisted biopsy. He said that he would be completely honest with me and if he was concerned he would tell me...but that he was not.

My biopsy was scheduled for 1:30 on Monday 9/29 but they had to push it back to 2:45 the same day. Fine with me. I was in no hurry for the pain that I knew the procedure involved. I was a little early and had to wait in the waiting room for, oh, I don't know...maybe 3 minutes. By 3:00 I was all numbed up from a big needle of numbing juice...truly the only painful part and it was over quick. By now the doctor performing the biopsy has blown into the room. His name is Dr. Spigal. He took a couple samples and went back to his table/counter. He was quiet for a while. Meanwhile, I am tapping my toe because I have to go get the kids from school at 3:30 (they said it would only take about 10 minutes). Then he came back to me and said he wanted more samples. Snap, snap, snap and back to his table. With his back still to me he asked me what Dr. deLeon had told me. I explained that Dr. deLeon said he was not worried but ordered the biopsy just to be sure.

This is where is gets just sorta surreal. Dr. Spigal says to me "Well, I would be worried if I were you". He said that he believed in being very honest and factual. He said that he has been doing this for a long time and this is his specialty. He felt very sure that I would be getting bad news. He was very no-nonsense, very blunt. He said that based on what he saw it looked like cancer to him. He wanted me to have a couple days to get my brain around it so that when he called me on Wednesday I would already have had time to get used to the idea. Of course, he did say he could be wrong. I hope he is.

That was 30 hours ago. Tomorrow is Wednesday. I have slept maybe 3 hours. The waiting is torture.