Final FEC75

I have a written-out schedule that my last "nurse navigator" put together for me showing dates and times of the whole year of my treatments. It says my next infusion is Friday, January 16. Another glorious week before I have to go back...yahooooo! Or at least that is what I thought. I have a new nurse now and she is lovely. I have been sick the last couple days (totally tolerable...chest/lung gunk) so she stays in close contact with me. Yesterday she said to me "See you on Tuesday!". Turns out my final phase 1 chemo is Tuesday instead of Friday. Jeepers, I would have missed it so thank goodness she said that...that was my first thought. Then it set in. And I just wept. So silly but in an instant I lost 3 feel-good days. I am pissed and sad!! I have to go in Tuesday instead of Friday. My body just has this intense visceral reaction to the very thought of walking into that hospital. My mouth fills with a very bad taste. My heart beats really fast. My stomach starts to ache. It is just awful. What a difference between my first infusion ("Yeah! Let's get this going!") to the totally overwhelming feeling of dread I have now. I guess I can see why people have anxiety attacks going through this process. I swear, it is like they are trying to kill me. And while I say that kidding, it is a weird part of my thinking. I felt GREAT and had tons of energy and played with my kids every day and worked long hours, etc BEFORE my diagnosis. In other words, I felt totally healthy.

It is a slippery slope and non-productive to wallow in all of that thinking I wrote above. Okay, so now that I have all that out (which feels good)...and being a HUGE believer in the power of positive thinking and that every human being has the power to transform any problem or suffering into strength, peace, health, happiness and abundance...let me explain all the wonderful realities I am replacing that above unconstructive (non constructive?) thinking with.

• I am seriously the luckiest person alive. I am SO healthy...!!! I could have gone on for years and not known about my cancer. It could have gone past infecting my the lymph nodes and infiltrated my lungs or brain or my whole body. But we know about it and eradicating it now! Awesome! Thank you God!!!
• It is winter. Hats are expected and I don't stick out like a sore thumb! Okay, maybe just a little with my tiny tiny head.
• It is winter so the sun goes down at 5:00....that is a huge help with 2 small children to get to bed every night when you are pooped yourself. It is great!
• I have won the "health care lotto"....I have the most incredible medical minds caring for me. I am like 6 miles away from the hospital. I meet people who drive 3 or 4 hours to come to Baylor.
• I have you all......my army...my sisters, my friends, my supports. My cup runeth over!!
• Oddie hasn't pooped in the house is 9 days. Hallelujah!

There are so many more things on the positive side of the t-bar than on the negative side...! And I truly truly truly feel this way....it is not sunny, happy, phoney optimism. I am so incredibly blessed!!!

And, of course, like I always say......I have my kryptonite...my two angels...my loves. Thank you, Lord, above all else for my children.

School pictures 2008-2009...