He does

Here is a little song from Angelica. She is completely better now and not even stuffy anymore. Yahoo!

xoxo

The truth...musings

Chemo went very well today. Laura F, if you are reading this, thank you for the cream. It worked great today. I did not even feel the big honking needle go in today. I am not sure if the skill of the technician plays into that, but it was a breeze and I am attributing it to the magic blend of balms you gave me. Thank you again Laura...it is awesome! And thanks Julie and Carrie again for being with me. I love you girls.

I know most of my posts are sunny and happy in this blog. I can't help it. It is what gets me through each day. I also wonder if it is not more than a little annoying. I further wonder if I am fearful of describing daily life a little closer to how it really is. Not that I am dishonest in this blog. I DO indeed have way more things to be grateful for than to complain about. But I wonder if I am afraid people will stop coming here if I put on display all of the ugly truths of what I am going through right now...both physically and mentally. Will they think I am a complainer? My personality is such that I will not allow myself a pity party and am not very good at attending others. I think I am compassionate but I loathe the victim mentality. It's true. And it is a huge character flaw of mine.

So where am I going with this? I have no idea. I guess I got thinking about letting you all know that, while chemo went great today, I am on another "vacation" from my nightly chemo pills. When I thought about writing that I thought you might wonder "why yet another break?" when I am doing good otherwise. And the truth is that I have been miserable. I have felt pretty bad with the heartburn, bone pain and weakness, but the diarrhea has been horrendous. I have had acute GI issues with as many as 30 "episodes" a day. They wake me out of a dead sleep and have me scrambling for the bathroom. They exhaust me and leech all the hydration out of my body. I don't want to put anything in my mouth for fear of what will happen 8 minutes later (literally) but sometimes I am so hungry that I eat whatever doesn't nauseate me...and then I pay - dearly. I sit in warm baths all day long to help with the side effects of this side effect. It is just gross. Some days are worse than others.

Thank you for the loving advice I know you will send my way. I have tried it all: eating the BRAT diet only, taking Imodium, gobbling lomotil, drinking pure aloe...living on water and sugar-free electrolytes alone.

The part that has me stressed mentally is the fear that I will be kicked out of the trial. For now, they are just going to try another break. If they end up having to dose reduce me again then I am out. Remember, even with 2 dose reductions, I am still on 1,000 mg a day. So I am praying that my precious intestines will hang in there. This is such an important trial and this drug is so effective. The drug company has a laser focus on me and literally wants to know daily how I am. My success could really put wind in the sails for FDA approval of this drug...specifically approval for neoadjuvant lapatinib in advanced breast cancer cases. There are only 85 of us worldwide in this trial and I was approved after incredible scrutinty and screening. My case matches their criteria perfectly and it is just so important...for me and the thousands of woman who will be in my shoes someday.


I don't want to fail, as irrational as that sounds.

xoxo

p.s. I HAVE to end on a positive note: I DID NOT GET THE FLU. Angelica's flu flurbies didn't bring me down. Thank you God!!

Sister

Angelica feels better. Oscar feels better. I am still flu free. Thanks for all your well wishes!

xoxo

Poo Flu

Just got home from the doctors office. Angelica tested positive for the flu. Now I have to go on something to avoid it. Just what I wanted, one more medicine to take.




Hope you are all healthy and enjoying this Saturday!

xoxo

Catching

If you happen to be walking down Annapolis, I would definitely cross to the other side. We are a sick house. Angelica now has the bug...and it seems even worse than Oscar, if possible. We were up all night. I have had a terrible time breaking her fever so we are off to the pediatrician in just a bit. Thank goodness they will see us this morning. Hope I don't get this.

On a lighter note, these kids are just so precious, even sick. Oscar is just a pure cuddler. And Angelica too. But what is so funny is Angelica has started saying this quirky little thing. She says "Say it with me" before everything she says. Must be something they do in Pre-K. Like "Say it with me, class. Newton's law of universal gravitation is an empirical physical law describing the gravitational attraction between bodies with mass." ha ha ha They are very advanced.

This is Anglica all morning:

Say it with me, my tummy hurts.

Say it with me mommy, my ear hurts.

Say it with me everybody, I sick.

Uneblievably cute!!

xoxo

TGIF

My poor little Oscar is sick. He woke up early yesterday morning feeling poor. I heard once that some kids run hotter/higher fevers than others. I am not sure if that is true but this sweet boy BURNS up. He will spike 104 in an instant. Scares me. But I get Tylenol (alternating with Motrin) in him and he is on the Wii like nothing is wrong. It is tempting to think he is better until the medicine wears off and he looks like this...poor baby.



So my job is to stay ahead of his discomfort.

On another note, I talked to Dr. O yesterday about my progress and if my positive response to the drugs will alter our "plan". Honestly, I am just beleaguered at the thought of 9 to 10 more months of treatments, especially via my port. She explained that it is the microscopic cancer cells that they worry about and that 30% of all women with metastatic breast cancer will eventually develop brain tumors. So they will not alter my chemo schedule or treatment plan in any way. Okay-dokie....fine by me. Bring it on. Roger that. 10-4. I am in great hands and know her plan is the one for me. :)

I am doing pretty good. I do love and treasure good days. I have had horrible heartburn, nausea and diarrhea. But I also have energy and an appetite. Yeah for that! I wake up every single night alternating between sweating profusely and cramping. I imagine that my ovaries are putting up a stellar fight to stay outta menopause. I still have a perpetual horrid taste in my mouth like I have been chewing on a tin can but I do not have mouth sores. So, all-in-all, things are going okay and could be much worse, for sure.

Love to you all and yours. Enjoy a wonderful weekend!

xoxo

2 down...

I had the second chemo of my second phase of treatment today. Two down, and only 2 1/2 months to go with these weekly treatments. It went fine today except she hit a vain so I have one of those attractive deep purple bruises at my port site. Does not hurt a bit. And thanks to my friend Laura and her magic numbing cream, today was easy and not painful. Thank you Laura...for everything!!!

I got to see Julie and Carrie today so that also made it a good day. Thank you, my dear friends.

Here is my favorite little nurse on her way to a princess b-day party. Pretty frilly and sweet for a child that would rather play with Hotwheels like her brother. :)







xoxo

torturing myself....or therapy

I have been looking through pictures of Zoey. And I ended up laughing instead of crying....so yahoo for that. I came across these pictures of Oscar and Zoey from when Oscar was around 3. I swear, the child LOVES mud. He would still rather jump in a puddle than anything else on earth. He and Zoey had that in common.

You gotta click on this one to enlarge it....he has splatters all over him like freckles. LOL

xoxo

Baldy

Remember I told you about my friend Amy, the photographer extraordinaire? She came back to shoot pictures of me without hair. My eyebrows are nearly gone so I am glad she came when she did...when I still had some.

She is so talented! I wish Oscar was in more but he was outta sorts and very sad about Zoey still.

Click here to see the photos

xoxo

p.s. I have not figured out how to get URLs to open in a new window...so you will have to hit your "Back" button to get back to my blog. Sorry.

Today

Hi all...just checking in to tell you today went fine. It was a very long day. My sweet friend Julie went with me. Thank you so much, Julie...you are an amazing friend!

We got there at 8:30 or so this morning and got home around 3:00ish.

I was very nauseous during the infusion....really yuck. Every smell was totally getting to me. I imagine part of it is psychosomatic. Because I literally get ill just walking into that place.

The people are so nice, my doctor rocks and my nurse, Priscilla, is wonderful. In fact, she had a little tête-à-tête with me today. She said she is a tad worried about me and wanted to make sure I was caring for myself (ie: allowing people to help me, getting counseling, understanding the gravity of the situation). She was loving and just so kind. She truly cares about me and it really touches me. I will write my thoughts on our conversation another time after I have had time to digest all she said.

I was a big baby when they accessed my port. I had numbed it but it still hurt like a booger-bear (oh my gosh, I am talking like one of my kids).

First they use a needle like the one below (only mine is more "bent"...or at an angle)....

tube sideneedle side

...and they poke it through the skin into my port which is totally under the skin (see the lump in the picture below. wow, I have a lot of freckles. sorry about the unflattering photo...lol). I thought, before all of this, that when they talked about "accessing my port" that they would hook into a little tube or something that was sticking out of my skin. But nope....it is all under the skin. The port has a little rubber top, like the top on a test tube sorta. They feel around, find the rubber top and poke through the skin and through the rubber with a not-so-little needle.

I was feeling really bad during the process and I am just not sure what triggered it. Like I said, I found it very difficult to walk into that building. And it does completely overwhelm me to think I need to do this every Tuesday for the next couple months. BUT, I have one down and that is a beautiful thing!

As always, thank you so much for your loving support, your well-wishes, your cards/notes/e-mails/text messages/voicemails...and most especially your prayers. I assure you...I FEEL THEM...thank you!!!!

xoxo

ECHO...echo...echo...

Ha ha. I had my echocardiogram today and my heart looks good. So I have the green light to start my weekly chemo tomorrow. Yahoooo...on to phase 2.

xoxo

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

I have been looking everywhere for this to share with my friend, Brenda. Thought you all might enjoy it too. This veterinarian sounds as kind as the ones at Hillside, our vet.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.

I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.' Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Excuse me while I go hug Scruffy and my sweet 6 year old....then I might just go indulge in a big ol' boo hoo.

Vacation officially over...

I just hung up with the oncologist's office. Time to get the boys back to work. I start back up on my nightly pills tonight. But they are dose-reducing me again. I am down to taking 4 pills (a mere 1000 mg).

Will you say a little prayer that my system tolerates this dosage okay and that my GI track stays healthy? There will be no more dose reductions. If my body keeps acting up then I will not be allowed to continue in the clinical trial. But I think I will be okay now. I am sure this is the magic dosage for me and I can continue with it...for another 4 months...or 120 days...or...ey ya ya. ;-)

xoxo

Random thought...

I was sitting here thinking about my surgery in November. My port has been bothering me so I guess that is why I was thinking back about the day they put it in my chest. I do not remember this but Megan tells me that when Dr. Grant was wheeling me out of the operating room, she asked him how it went. His response was: "She did great. And I am just so proud she did not try to get up and help". LOL!!! I was still just barely conscious and do not remember this but it makes me chuckle to think of Dr. Grant saying that.

Am I that controlling?

Or just helpful?

LOL!

Monday, Monday...

Yes, I have that song in my head. Better than "The Old Grey Mare" that my sister Michele planted (via e-mail I might add) firming in my brain the other day.


I feel good. So glad...and grateful! I will probably have to start back on the nightly pills tomorrow. I am sure enjoying food in the meantime. And the boys get a rest...






I will be without a computer for a couple days. Great timing for you all. Ya' know...since I feel good I would probably be blogging up a storm about really important things like my 3 year old heavy with child or Oddie not pooping in the house or Oscar looking for his hamster...


More from me on Wednesday...

xoxo