torturing myself....or therapy

I have been looking through pictures of Zoey. And I ended up laughing instead of crying....so yahoo for that. I came across these pictures of Oscar and Zoey from when Oscar was around 3. I swear, the child LOVES mud. He would still rather jump in a puddle than anything else on earth. He and Zoey had that in common.

You gotta click on this one to enlarge it....he has splatters all over him like freckles. LOL

xoxo

Baldy

Remember I told you about my friend Amy, the photographer extraordinaire? She came back to shoot pictures of me without hair. My eyebrows are nearly gone so I am glad she came when she did...when I still had some.

She is so talented! I wish Oscar was in more but he was outta sorts and very sad about Zoey still.

Click here to see the photos

xoxo

p.s. I have not figured out how to get URLs to open in a new window...so you will have to hit your "Back" button to get back to my blog. Sorry.

Today

Hi all...just checking in to tell you today went fine. It was a very long day. My sweet friend Julie went with me. Thank you so much, Julie...you are an amazing friend!

We got there at 8:30 or so this morning and got home around 3:00ish.

I was very nauseous during the infusion....really yuck. Every smell was totally getting to me. I imagine part of it is psychosomatic. Because I literally get ill just walking into that place.

The people are so nice, my doctor rocks and my nurse, Priscilla, is wonderful. In fact, she had a little tête-à-tête with me today. She said she is a tad worried about me and wanted to make sure I was caring for myself (ie: allowing people to help me, getting counseling, understanding the gravity of the situation). She was loving and just so kind. She truly cares about me and it really touches me. I will write my thoughts on our conversation another time after I have had time to digest all she said.

I was a big baby when they accessed my port. I had numbed it but it still hurt like a booger-bear (oh my gosh, I am talking like one of my kids).

First they use a needle like the one below (only mine is more "bent"...or at an angle)....

tube sideneedle side

...and they poke it through the skin into my port which is totally under the skin (see the lump in the picture below. wow, I have a lot of freckles. sorry about the unflattering photo...lol). I thought, before all of this, that when they talked about "accessing my port" that they would hook into a little tube or something that was sticking out of my skin. But nope....it is all under the skin. The port has a little rubber top, like the top on a test tube sorta. They feel around, find the rubber top and poke through the skin and through the rubber with a not-so-little needle.

I was feeling really bad during the process and I am just not sure what triggered it. Like I said, I found it very difficult to walk into that building. And it does completely overwhelm me to think I need to do this every Tuesday for the next couple months. BUT, I have one down and that is a beautiful thing!

As always, thank you so much for your loving support, your well-wishes, your cards/notes/e-mails/text messages/voicemails...and most especially your prayers. I assure you...I FEEL THEM...thank you!!!!

xoxo

ECHO...echo...echo...

Ha ha. I had my echocardiogram today and my heart looks good. So I have the green light to start my weekly chemo tomorrow. Yahoooo...on to phase 2.

xoxo

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

I have been looking everywhere for this to share with my friend, Brenda. Thought you all might enjoy it too. This veterinarian sounds as kind as the ones at Hillside, our vet.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.

I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.' Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Excuse me while I go hug Scruffy and my sweet 6 year old....then I might just go indulge in a big ol' boo hoo.

Vacation officially over...

I just hung up with the oncologist's office. Time to get the boys back to work. I start back up on my nightly pills tonight. But they are dose-reducing me again. I am down to taking 4 pills (a mere 1000 mg).

Will you say a little prayer that my system tolerates this dosage okay and that my GI track stays healthy? There will be no more dose reductions. If my body keeps acting up then I will not be allowed to continue in the clinical trial. But I think I will be okay now. I am sure this is the magic dosage for me and I can continue with it...for another 4 months...or 120 days...or...ey ya ya. ;-)

xoxo

Random thought...

I was sitting here thinking about my surgery in November. My port has been bothering me so I guess that is why I was thinking back about the day they put it in my chest. I do not remember this but Megan tells me that when Dr. Grant was wheeling me out of the operating room, she asked him how it went. His response was: "She did great. And I am just so proud she did not try to get up and help". LOL!!! I was still just barely conscious and do not remember this but it makes me chuckle to think of Dr. Grant saying that.

Am I that controlling?

Or just helpful?

LOL!

Monday, Monday...

Yes, I have that song in my head. Better than "The Old Grey Mare" that my sister Michele planted (via e-mail I might add) firming in my brain the other day.


I feel good. So glad...and grateful! I will probably have to start back on the nightly pills tomorrow. I am sure enjoying food in the meantime. And the boys get a rest...






I will be without a computer for a couple days. Great timing for you all. Ya' know...since I feel good I would probably be blogging up a storm about really important things like my 3 year old heavy with child or Oddie not pooping in the house or Oscar looking for his hamster...


More from me on Wednesday...

xoxo

one more...

They are so cute together...

xoxo

By the way, I am laughing re-reading my other post. For someone that doesn't want to complain I sure am vocal. lol xoxo

Me update

You guys are the best. There has been such an outpouring of love for us, especially with the loss of our beloved Zoey. Thank you. We are so grateful for every single one of your thoughts, prayers, support...even just following the blog and caring.

I haven't been blogging much because, as I am sure you guessed, I have felt like do do...or is it due due...or dew dew.....? Okay, I have felt lousy. My digestion issues have been awful and have been losing more weight and have just felt low. I know you guys wouldn't mind and would love me even if I indulged in a whine-fest but I would rather come out here and share when I feel good. Besides, it takes energy which I haven't had. With that being said.....

My meds have officially started kicking my rear. The hardest part has been the pills I take every night. Now that my body knows what they are going to do to it, it revolts each time I try to swallow them. lol I just have to gag them down. But I got GOOD NEWS yesterday. I am on another break. No pills until further notice. They are going to check me out thoroughly on Monday or Tuesday and see if I can start again. And when I do they will be dose reducing me again. I am not worried about the effectiveness of my treatment with these breaks because I think they have already done a great job. And it cannot be good for me to not be able to keep anything in. I have lost another 6 pounds. I remember when my mom was real sick and she was so thin. She would say that she was sorry for ever complaining about being a little bit overweight. That is how I feel now.

On the other hand, I am so grateful and proud of my strong body and how well it has handled the barrage of meds and assaults. I know it sounds like I am talking outta both sides of my mouth because of the digestion issues. But what I am talking about is how well I have done not getting the gunk that is everywhere: flus, colds, sinus infections, etc. No doubt chemo lowers all your blood counts. And I have fared very well. But now I have a chest cold. I have no voice….laryngitis. No question emotional strain just undoes any work I have been doing trying to bolster my immune system. Crying over Zoey seemed to trigger all this chest yuck. However, in just a day I feel like it is on its way out. Thanks Marc and Julie for getting me NyQuil last night.

On a funny and sweet note, Oscar has such a special way of dealing with his grief. The other night he went into the closet and got all our past dogs collars out (including Zoey's), along with all their tags. He slept with them in his bed last night. This morning, Angelica put every single one on Oddie. Poor puppy could barely walk.








xoxo

Zoey

I am sad to tell you that we said goodbye to our sweet Zoey this afternoon (or technically yesterday afternoon). I can't sleep for laying here thinking about her and remembering how much joy she brought us. She was such an incredible dog! You have never seen a dog that smiled as much as Zoey....seriously smiled. Her tail never stopped wagging.

My incredible, kind, loving vet and her sweet staff made Zoey's passing so peaceful...in a quiet, comfortable room and a big, soft pillow for Zoey's head...and such kindness and hugs for me. They gave us such a gift today just like when Deogee passed away. I am so grateful.

You will see in the video below Zoey's trademark "Quiet speaks". She would bark this funny bark but no noise would come out. Rest assured, she could let out a deafening bay, which was the reason I had to teach her "quiet speaks" to begin with. You will also see her classic "show me your belly" pose in the montage. She would readily drop and roll to show anyone her beautiful belly...not an once of dominance in her sweet self.

Some of my best memories are back in 2001 when I quit my job, bought an RV and left for many months. The main purpose of my adventure was to get to places where I could open the RV doors each morning and let the dogs go…..run…..be free without fear of cars or traffic. It was just me and Deogee and Zoey. We would find cool places deep in the forests of, say, Colorado and Southern Wyoming...and stay for weeks. I always tried to stay places that were as remote as I could find and we would live off the generator...and just enjoy the solitude.

Zoey came into my life off the highway in early 1995 and quickly overcame what I suspect was abuse by her prior owner. She worshiped her "brother" Deogee. She had an ADORABLE expression of one ear up and one ear flopped. Zoey patiently wore fake antlers while we wished everyone a White "Trash" Christmas in 2002. She put up with new children and new puppies with absolute grace. Her hips and her body gave out but her incredible, wonderful, funny spirit was bright until the end.

We already miss her dearly.

Make photo slide shows at www.OneTrueMedia.com

So grateful...

It is mornings like today that I wake up bursting with gratitude. It is cold here, albeit nothing compared to what some of you have experienced this winter. But for us it is very cold (windchill 27 degrees). I feel so-so okay considering I overdid it yesterday. We have a fire in the fireplace. We are coloring with crayons. Oscar is helping Angelica when she needs it and she is letting him (precious!). The dogs are wrestling and making us laugh.

My heart is so full of love for these kids and these dogs and this home. I am so thankful for the adundence in my life. Thank you, God.

Hope each of your days are full of all the things that make you happy.

xoxo

Chemo

Hi all-

I did have chemo yesterday. My sweet friend Julie was with me and Carrie too. It hit me really hard last night but I feel better today. As usual, I had to wake up every 3 hours to prevent the drugs from damaging my bladder. So I am going back to bed now.

Thank you all, so much, for caring about me. Truly, I am so grateful.

xoxo

B.S.

I forgot to add to add this to my post below. I would like to acknowledge the possibility that maybe brussel sprouts are not a practical joke on God's part. I realize that of my tens of readers there is a portion of you that are passionate about your brussel sprouts...and that you love them...and I have the e-mails and cards to prove it. LOL I promise to leave the brassica oleracea alone going forward.

I love you all.......you make me laugh and I thank you so much for that!!!!


xoxo

More decisions...

Yesterday went well with Dr. Grant. The man is wonderful...so intense, in your face, close talking, laser focus eye contact. Those may not sound like great traits. But with him you just come away feeling like you are the only patient he has and possible the only person in the universe. He cares so much.

He is also very optimistic about how I am responding to my treatments. He does not think the tumor is gone. His feeling is that my cancer all along has been a "tricky one" that hides very well. But, as he says, "after surgery you will be cancer free". So that is great.

Sooooooooo, the surgery....oh my....it is so incredibly daunting. I just want to have the mastectomy, heal and then be done with it. And that can happen if I opt to not reconstruct. If I am going to have reconstruction then there are actually 3 surgeries I have to have: the mastectomy, the latissimus dorsi flap transfer/graft and then the reconstruction. All 3 have a 6 - 8 week recovery time. And many months in between each procedure. Oh vey!!!

I really can't think about it too much because it is overwhelming. I know I will make the right decision when the time gets close. I just need to pray and keep researching options and educate myself to the teeth....and trust.

xoxo

My team

I have such an incredible team of doctors:

Dr. Joyce O’Shaughnessy - My oncologist. Her training and experience reads like fiction...it is so incredible. She is Co-Director of the Breast Cancer Research Program at Baylor - Charles A Sammons Cancer Center. She graduated cum laude from Yale University Medical School. Her internship, residency and fellowship were all at amazing places. And now she is my doctor. I am so proud.

Dr. Michael Grant - My breast surgeon. His credentials are equally impressive. To read all his extracurricular activities outside his practice you would think he is superman.....pages and pages of work in clinical trials and involvement in research specific to breast cancer. He also donates time to those without the financial means to get treatment. His dedication to the field of breast diseases and breast cancer prevention is phenomenal. Again, I am so proud!

Dr. William Carpenter - My reconstruction surgeon, should I decide to go that route (it is all very daunting but I will explain that later). He will work with Dr. Grant closely. I have not developed a relationship with him like I have my other 2 doctors. Mostly Dr. Carpenter looks at me like I am a bug under a glass. LOL Seriously, he is dry but kind and VERY, very talented.

I am heading to another appointment with Dr. Grant today. Since I am responding so incredibly well to treatment I want to see if any of my options have changed regarding surgery. Who knows. Anyway, I am sure he will order another MRI or other tests to confirm what I know is true. The tumor is gone...or almost gone. I am sure of it. And in my whole being, I attribute it to God and the clinical trial drug...in that order.

I know it is God's work that I am getting better, just like it would be His work if I were not. Admittedly it is much easier to have peace since I am doing so well. More than once in this process I have had to repeat over and over "Thy will be done". It is His hand in everything...the clinical trial, the drugs, the doctor's skill, my progress, my peaceful state, my energy, my children's wellness, all of you...even Oddie not pooping in the house anymore. :-) My cancer was all a part of His plan and I know that. I am not one to sit back and pray and wait for things to happen for me or to me. I am more of a do-er. That is how God made me...how he wired me. I pray all the time but I do it while I am using the gifts God gave me: my strength, my curiosity, my energy, my impatience, my enthusiasm. Thank you, God.

Every once in a while I will feel a dark cloud...or a shadow...pass over my heart and my optimism. And I will hear cancer whisper "I am still here". I do not not whisper back. I shout "NOT FOR LONG!".

I will let you know what I find out today.

xoxo

Brrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

Everything is fine here and we even had a warm up today. I hope you are safe and warm, wherever you are!

xoxo

p.s. I am cleaning out photos and working on the kids journals. I came across 2 of my favorite all time pictures. The first is of my beloved Deogee (husky/malamute), Lucky (my friend Bart's dog) and my sweet Zoey. All three were laying in the sun in the front yard and it is like they all caught the scent of something wonderful at the same time...! The second is of Oscar in the Bahamas when he was 3 years old. Fond memories!!

No chem-O

I got myself totally psyched up for chemo today. My sweet sweet friend Julie went with me. We got there at around 9:00, I had my blood work done and then went up to the oncologist office. There was very positive news about how well the drugs are working. And overall my blood work looked good so they had me take my Pill. Yes, the Pill with a capital P. It is a part of a 3-pack for nausea...and it is like gold. I took the Pill and we went down to the 3rd floor to the chemo area. Just as I was about to get my butt whooped by Julie in Travel Scrabble, the nurse found me to tell me "No chemo today". The blood work showed elevated levels in the liver profile (LOL...I just proof-read and caught a typo: "elevated levels in the lover profile...hahaha).

Carrie, Kyle, Julie and I went to lunch, which was a wonderful way to salvage the day. Thank you, dear friends!

So no chemo today...no pills tonight...no pills until next Tuesday. They will look at my blood again next Tuesday and hopefully things will look better.

I am pretty bummed for someone who wanted 3 extra days off...now I have a week off. I was happy at first but I am just so eager to get all this done. Plus it is just sorta emotional getting all geared up to go to chemo.

We'll try again next Tuesday!

xoxo

I forget

On the good days like I have been having the past couple days, I forget I have cancer. I forget I have a port in my chest. I forget most things about being sick. Other than being a little weak, I feel just like my old self. Then I will go to the grocery store and remember as soon as I see the look on people's faces. Being bald is not a huge deal to me anymore. It was traumatic but for some people it is just unbearable. I found the daily death of my hair more traumatic.....it was dead but still on my head and coming out in clumps...a slow painful death to my beautiful wavy locks. I was never a slave to my looks or fashion. At 43 I probably should wear makeup every day but I don't (didn't before either). Sweatpants are my uniform. lol I could wear a wig but that is unbearable......even the highest quality wigs itch and are hot. A newly bald head is very sensitive, let me tell ya'. So I stick with hats.

I find it so interesting how the chemo works. Obviosuly it cleanses the body of cancerous cells. It also has harmful affects on the healthy cells. And it kills the hair follicles..temporarily. So, while I shaved my head, not one little tiny hair has come back. I was sure I would have 5 o'clock shadow on the old cranium. But I will tell you, again with the bright side, showering literally takes 4 minutes. I brush my teeth in there just so I have something to do.

People are so incredibly kind to me and I immediately feel the need to make them feel better. I am going to be okay...and I have fight the desire to be an evangelist about it. Does that make sense? When they look at me with pity (usually at the grocery store...what is it about the grocery store??) I just want to hug them and tell them I am okay...I am going to be okay.

Actually, one of my squeeze-cheese-for-the-brain "take me away" forget-I-have-cancer indulgences is bad t.v. I am a reader. I normally read in bed at night. But the last couple months I have been watching just the worst t.v. I always wonder about God and how disappointed he must be in us when he looks down and sees "The Real Housewives of Orange County". But I think He has a sense of humor. After all, He created brussel sprouts and we eat them. He has to be chuckling at that. Okay, back to bad television. Here are some of my favorites: Housewives (mentioned above), The First 48, Intervention, Grey's Anatomy and anything Animal Planet (which does not constitute bad t.v. but equally addicting).

Tell me what your favorites are....what am I missing?

xoxo

In my daughter's eyes...

I am a big boo hoo-er anyway these days, but this one just undoes me. Here is another not-new video but new to me. What a beautiful tribute!

Angelica is a handful but already, at such a young age, she teaches me something every day. She rubs my bald head and tells me it is "beeeeeeutiful mommy". She is precious! She pops grapes in my mouth and tells me it is medicine..."allll better mommy". She calls me a "ballawena" and wants to twirl with me because it doesn't matter to her that I can't dance (understatement...lol). She sings constantly and has, I swear, an old soul. She is such a blessing!

People are so kind and say I am strong. They say I am an inspiration. But the truth is so well articulated in this song. My children make it clear what life is all about. My children give me strength when I feel like giving up. They, along with all of you, are the reason I can stand tall in this fight.

Thank you...

Final FEC75

I have a written-out schedule that my last "nurse navigator" put together for me showing dates and times of the whole year of my treatments. It says my next infusion is Friday, January 16. Another glorious week before I have to go back...yahooooo! Or at least that is what I thought. I have a new nurse now and she is lovely. I have been sick the last couple days (totally tolerable...chest/lung gunk) so she stays in close contact with me. Yesterday she said to me "See you on Tuesday!". Turns out my final phase 1 chemo is Tuesday instead of Friday. Jeepers, I would have missed it so thank goodness she said that...that was my first thought. Then it set in. And I just wept. So silly but in an instant I lost 3 feel-good days. I am pissed and sad!! I have to go in Tuesday instead of Friday. My body just has this intense visceral reaction to the very thought of walking into that hospital. My mouth fills with a very bad taste. My heart beats really fast. My stomach starts to ache. It is just awful. What a difference between my first infusion ("Yeah! Let's get this going!") to the totally overwhelming feeling of dread I have now. I guess I can see why people have anxiety attacks going through this process. I swear, it is like they are trying to kill me. And while I say that kidding, it is a weird part of my thinking. I felt GREAT and had tons of energy and played with my kids every day and worked long hours, etc BEFORE my diagnosis. In other words, I felt totally healthy.

It is a slippery slope and non-productive to wallow in all of that thinking I wrote above. Okay, so now that I have all that out (which feels good)...and being a HUGE believer in the power of positive thinking and that every human being has the power to transform any problem or suffering into strength, peace, health, happiness and abundance...let me explain all the wonderful realities I am replacing that above unconstructive (non constructive?) thinking with.

• I am seriously the luckiest person alive. I am SO healthy...!!! I could have gone on for years and not known about my cancer. It could have gone past infecting my the lymph nodes and infiltrated my lungs or brain or my whole body. But we know about it and eradicating it now! Awesome! Thank you God!!!
• It is winter. Hats are expected and I don't stick out like a sore thumb! Okay, maybe just a little with my tiny tiny head.
• It is winter so the sun goes down at 5:00....that is a huge help with 2 small children to get to bed every night when you are pooped yourself. It is great!
• I have won the "health care lotto"....I have the most incredible medical minds caring for me. I am like 6 miles away from the hospital. I meet people who drive 3 or 4 hours to come to Baylor.
• I have you all......my army...my sisters, my friends, my supports. My cup runeth over!!
• Oddie hasn't pooped in the house is 9 days. Hallelujah!

There are so many more things on the positive side of the t-bar than on the negative side...! And I truly truly truly feel this way....it is not sunny, happy, phoney optimism. I am so incredibly blessed!!!

And, of course, like I always say......I have my kryptonite...my two angels...my loves. Thank you, Lord, above all else for my children.

School pictures 2008-2009...

Daily medicine...

Laughter!
Stole this from my friend Kendra's blog...hilarious. I have watched it 10 times...

Hair...

No...not mine. That would be a non-post. lol Angelica decided early this morning that she wanted hair like Mommy's. Scary! She got a pair of scissors and faster than a blink of the eye, she chopped a huge section of her hair off. She looked like a punk rocker with one side long and the other short. Here is the evidence she was so proud of:

And here is her "after" look. They had to bob it all the way around.

It really is darling. But not as cute as she has been the rest of the day. After the emergency hair cut I made us sandwiches but she would not let either of us take a bit until we sang "Happy Birthday" to the sandwich. She cracks me up daily!

Time to nap. xoxo

Pictures from today

Here are some laughing faces from our time on the "jumpoline " today. I am so sorry I didn't take pictures and videos of the kids and Aunt Molly...they had a blast out there every day.

It really was a gorgeous day here in Dallas. Hope you had a nice Saturday wherever you are...!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year, everyone! I hope 2009 is full of health and happiness for all of us! Honestly, it is already off to a good start. The weather has been beautiful. We had an incredible visit with my sister, Molly, who was here to help me for 2 weeks...taking time out of her own life and her work to be here to help me. Incredible! The kids are healthy. School starts back on Monday. Oddie has not peed or pooped in the house for a week. lol Life is GOOD!

I am trying to really listen to my body. Sometimes it screams loud and clear and other times I have to listen closer. I am tired...really tired. Naps truly are my savior. I have never been a napper. In fact, normally I cannot sit still for more than 4 minutes, as those of you who know me best can attest. But now I can lay down in my bed and zonk out for hours at a time...right in the middle of the day! And it sends me other messages too that are impossible to ignore and I will spare you those details. The medications are plentiful to help me deal with my discomfort. And the most important thing is that I am A-okay...heart and soul, mind and body! I am not as "medically fragile" (I think that is such an interesting term, especially since I am an adult) as they predicted I would be by my 3rd infusion. I am doing really well. And I am so very grateful!!

xoxo