I am cancer-free. That is not a clinical or pathological finding but rather a Maureen know-it-in-my-heart-and-guts-and-bones diagnosis. But I have to have my surgery and complete my treatments that will go through December or January...then the doctors will confirm what I already know.

I know you all know how serious I am taking this clinical trial. It is such a source of pride for me. My success will really help this project, I am sure of it. And while the Tykerb is not a new drug, this protocol (neoadjunct) could save lives. I truly believe it. And in God's Plan, maybe this was my purpose. But I have hit a bit of a wall. I feel toxic....seriously noxious is just the best way to describe how I have felt the last several weeks. The diarrhea, the mouth sores, the bad taste in my mouth and horrid breath, the fatigue, the lack of taste, the bumps all over my face and body, and the coup de grâce for me was losing a toe nail. Gross. We all know our bodies and mine is screaming "enough!". I have had another break from the pills (4 days now) but I start up again tomorrow. I dread waking up to take them in the morning.

So I saw Dr. O’Shaughnessy yesterday and had my chemo. My blood work shows I am very anemic, hence my recent extreme fatigue. They also think I will have a 2 hour drip of magnesium in my port later this week or during my chemo next week to help with other deficiencies. So starting an Iron supplement and the magnesium drip will help. But I have done so well so far. Hell, I made it through not 1 but 2 bouts of flu with the kids and never got it. Seriously!!! That is amazing and I thank God for my wonderful body and for taking care of me through all this. And most importantly...I AM IN THE HOMESTRETCH. I have 5 months of these drugs under my belt and only 5 weeks left to go! yahoooooooo!!!

Thank you all for your loving support....I am so very grateful. You carry me. You are the reason for my success and that is the truth!

xoxo

Long time, no talk...

It feels like a long time but I guess it was just a week. I missed everyone.
So, we are back from our adventure. Here's the scoop. Last year, a lifetime ago, I have booked a Springbreak trip for me and the kids to go to Atlantis. Oscar and I went when he was 3 years old and it was glorious. We had a great time. Oscar even snorkled like a CHAMP! Here he is, my brave little fish.


Anyway, the closer the trip got the more it seemed we would not be able to go. For starters, I thought I was getting money BACK on my taxes, but instead I owe. Aughhhh! Then my oncologist said that I cannot leave the country. So we switched to Destin, Florida to stay closer to home and to save money.

It was ambitious of me. Really. I guess I have such grandiose illusions that I can do anything. I am not sure if that is a good thing or a bad thing. It just does not occur to me that traveling through airports and renting a car and lugging all our bags and 2 kids is something that will be hard. Forget the fact that I had chemo on Monday and left on Tuesday. It was very hard getting there and very, very hard getting home. But worth it! We spent several days on the beach, took a boat ride, saw dolphins swimming in the wild, made sandcastles, buried each other in the sand and just had a great time. I am most proud of myself for not freaking out about spending the money. Okay, well maybe a little bit...

Walking throught the airport Oscar's front tooth FINALLY fell out so that was fun too!
Another really neat thing that happened was we meet a nice couple on the beach. I had forgotten my camera (chemo brain). So this incredibly nice, sweet woman...a survivor sister...started taking pictures of us. She is going to share the photos with me so I will post them also. People are so kind!!! Here are some pictures to share from my fancy disposible camera in the meantime.

Love to you all!

xoxo

Notice the frighteningly tiny head in the sand...? That's me.

Those are DOLPHIN in the water!

Mommy sandwich

Sometime between 3:30 a.m. and 5:30 a.m. I became a mommy sandwich, with a little dumpling on each side of me. I loved it. I laid (or is it layed?) there for hours (literally) soaking up their sweetness, listening to them breath and praying. What a great way to spend time with God.

I am off to chemo this morning. I can't wait to show Priscilla my latest batch of acne, which the oncologists call a rash. Between you and me, it is just pimples (nice, huh?) that pop up (sorry, poor choice of words....lol) despite a great and diligent facial cleansing routine. I am wearing it with pride. Every one of my doctors has said the same thing about the "rash". It is a sign the medicine is working. And I get to re-live my teenage years.

xoxo

Cold & rainy

Yesterday marks the start of my kid's Spring Break. I will have chemo on Monday instead of Tuesday. Then I am taking the kids on a little adventure next week. I hope I feel okay. My bones have started hurting. I take lots of hot baths. I can add ibuprofen when necessary...and I won't hesitate to if I get too achy.

Monday should be fun at chemo because Carrie, Julie and I are taking Angelica with us. She will be a delight to all those people waiting to get treatments. She will be even more amusing than the therapy dogs they bring in.

I hope everyone has a good weekend. It is cold here and has been raining all week. We need the rain.

Love to you all

xoxo

Where oh where...

...could my cell phone be...

In case you have texted me or called my cell, I did not get your messages. I will be without a cell phone for a while. I will let you know when I have a new one.

xoxo

UPDATE: I just talked to my friend and co-worker that handles all our telecom. I had insurance so a new phone will be here tomorrow. You rock, Kim! Thank you!!

Striking twice...and shout out for Lorrie!

I cannot even believe it. Oscar is sick again. He is really puny. Monday morning about 5:30 am he woke with a very high fever and croupy cough. All day yesterday and today he has been spiking the super high temps, like 105 again. He has been sleeping for almost 3 hours this afternoon. That is very unlike him...the energizer bunny.

I know there were some kids at school that were sick. I am keeping him home again tomorrow. I do not want to expose anyone to this....it is not fair.

This will be the true test of my white blood cell strength and immune system stamina. Lets see if I can avoid this for the second time. I accept the challenge. :-)

Chemo went good today. My dear friend Linda rearranged her whole day to be with me. I LOVE spending time with her so it was a great day! I actually got to go to chemo even though I had a sick, sick little boy at home. Ya know why...? Two words: LOR.RIE !!! (or Lorly as Angelica calls her). My dear, sweet, ever-faithful, unwaveringly supportive, sister-like friend Lorrie hopped into her car and came to the rescue early this morning. Not only did she give up her whole, precious day but I came home to an immaculate house. I did my best not to gush my thanks to Lorrie and/or Linda...instead I tried to bask in the love they poured over me today. You girls are so wonderful...thank you so much for lightening my load today!

xoxo

Bring The Rain

"Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings your glory

And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain"


Mercy Me, "Bring the Rain"

Great weekend

My dear, sweet friend Aimee came here from New York to spend the weekend with me. What makes her gesture to be with me so remarkable is that she has 4 beautiful babies and her terrific husband George...all at home this weekend without her.

Aimee was my first friend in Texas when I moved here. That was 18 years ago. Jeepers! Time flies. Meeting Aimee opened up a whole world of wonderfulness for me in Dallas. She is my social hub. I still reminisce with friends about how we met and 9 times outta 10 the answer is "through Aimee". Aimee and I met on a blind date. lol That sounds funny. She was on a blind date with a guy who was friends with the guy I was on a blind date with ... so it was a double blind date but the guys knew each other. Her guy was 7 feet tall. No...seriously...he was a little over 7 feet tall. He was that tall... and an overall huge guy. At some point during dinner Aimee asked him if he was anatomically correct. I cracked up and loved her instantly and we have been dear friends ever since. It is so awesome having her here. It is so easy and fun and relaxing and wonderful! She is great friend!!!

Oscar has been enjoying the Wii and is great at it. But what I love is that even when he is losing at Tankers he is laughing...! BTW, notice no more shag rug in the room. Oddie the Peeing Puppy wins. The rug losses and is in the garage until I can get it thoroughly cleaned, sanitized, deodorized, ionized, sterilized...and just unstinkified.

Hope you had a great weekend.

xoxo

Three amigas

Tuesdays chemo went well with the company of my sweet friends Janet and Johnna. They were with me for the whole day.....they got to meet Dr. O, we had a picnic on the floor of the lobby, they made instant friends with people in the infusion waiting area, and they even hung around once I zonked out from the pre-drugs! Of course, once I heard a camera click I had to convey my wish for the world from under the covers.




I was able to ask Dr. O a lot of questions this time. She was her typical kind but forthright self. My specific cancer diagnosis is (I will say "was", since I am so close to being past tense) Stage IIIc and HER2 +++. The triple positive was the worrisome part but it doesn't matter since I will soon be well.


The one burning question I had for her had to do with the risk of reoccurance and living with the fear. I loved her answer. Very Zen-like. She said the fear is a part of how your body deals with this. Don't repress or deny it...that is not realistic. Let it in but then let it go. And in time those thoughts will come less frequent. I will not let it rule me. And it helps that they will be scanning the be-jeebers outta me every 3 months. lol


My love to you all!

Nightly pills

I started back up on my nightly chemo pills last night. I am going to work out a strict probiotic schedule along with a very careful diet. I only have 2 more months on these pills. I can do this!!!!!!

On another topic... Anyone want a Corgi? He has many talents including climbing up on a 38" countertop. I guess I don't really mind him up there since at least I know he is not peeing on the carpet.

xoxo

He does

Here is a little song from Angelica. She is completely better now and not even stuffy anymore. Yahoo!

xoxo

The truth...musings

Chemo went very well today. Laura F, if you are reading this, thank you for the cream. It worked great today. I did not even feel the big honking needle go in today. I am not sure if the skill of the technician plays into that, but it was a breeze and I am attributing it to the magic blend of balms you gave me. Thank you again Laura...it is awesome! And thanks Julie and Carrie again for being with me. I love you girls.

I know most of my posts are sunny and happy in this blog. I can't help it. It is what gets me through each day. I also wonder if it is not more than a little annoying. I further wonder if I am fearful of describing daily life a little closer to how it really is. Not that I am dishonest in this blog. I DO indeed have way more things to be grateful for than to complain about. But I wonder if I am afraid people will stop coming here if I put on display all of the ugly truths of what I am going through right now...both physically and mentally. Will they think I am a complainer? My personality is such that I will not allow myself a pity party and am not very good at attending others. I think I am compassionate but I loathe the victim mentality. It's true. And it is a huge character flaw of mine.

So where am I going with this? I have no idea. I guess I got thinking about letting you all know that, while chemo went great today, I am on another "vacation" from my nightly chemo pills. When I thought about writing that I thought you might wonder "why yet another break?" when I am doing good otherwise. And the truth is that I have been miserable. I have felt pretty bad with the heartburn, bone pain and weakness, but the diarrhea has been horrendous. I have had acute GI issues with as many as 30 "episodes" a day. They wake me out of a dead sleep and have me scrambling for the bathroom. They exhaust me and leech all the hydration out of my body. I don't want to put anything in my mouth for fear of what will happen 8 minutes later (literally) but sometimes I am so hungry that I eat whatever doesn't nauseate me...and then I pay - dearly. I sit in warm baths all day long to help with the side effects of this side effect. It is just gross. Some days are worse than others.

Thank you for the loving advice I know you will send my way. I have tried it all: eating the BRAT diet only, taking Imodium, gobbling lomotil, drinking pure aloe...living on water and sugar-free electrolytes alone.

The part that has me stressed mentally is the fear that I will be kicked out of the trial. For now, they are just going to try another break. If they end up having to dose reduce me again then I am out. Remember, even with 2 dose reductions, I am still on 1,000 mg a day. So I am praying that my precious intestines will hang in there. This is such an important trial and this drug is so effective. The drug company has a laser focus on me and literally wants to know daily how I am. My success could really put wind in the sails for FDA approval of this drug...specifically approval for neoadjuvant lapatinib in advanced breast cancer cases. There are only 85 of us worldwide in this trial and I was approved after incredible scrutinty and screening. My case matches their criteria perfectly and it is just so important...for me and the thousands of woman who will be in my shoes someday.


I don't want to fail, as irrational as that sounds.

xoxo

p.s. I HAVE to end on a positive note: I DID NOT GET THE FLU. Angelica's flu flurbies didn't bring me down. Thank you God!!

Sister

Angelica feels better. Oscar feels better. I am still flu free. Thanks for all your well wishes!

xoxo

Poo Flu

Just got home from the doctors office. Angelica tested positive for the flu. Now I have to go on something to avoid it. Just what I wanted, one more medicine to take.




Hope you are all healthy and enjoying this Saturday!

xoxo

Catching

If you happen to be walking down Annapolis, I would definitely cross to the other side. We are a sick house. Angelica now has the bug...and it seems even worse than Oscar, if possible. We were up all night. I have had a terrible time breaking her fever so we are off to the pediatrician in just a bit. Thank goodness they will see us this morning. Hope I don't get this.

On a lighter note, these kids are just so precious, even sick. Oscar is just a pure cuddler. And Angelica too. But what is so funny is Angelica has started saying this quirky little thing. She says "Say it with me" before everything she says. Must be something they do in Pre-K. Like "Say it with me, class. Newton's law of universal gravitation is an empirical physical law describing the gravitational attraction between bodies with mass." ha ha ha They are very advanced.

This is Anglica all morning:

Say it with me, my tummy hurts.

Say it with me mommy, my ear hurts.

Say it with me everybody, I sick.

Uneblievably cute!!

xoxo

TGIF

My poor little Oscar is sick. He woke up early yesterday morning feeling poor. I heard once that some kids run hotter/higher fevers than others. I am not sure if that is true but this sweet boy BURNS up. He will spike 104 in an instant. Scares me. But I get Tylenol (alternating with Motrin) in him and he is on the Wii like nothing is wrong. It is tempting to think he is better until the medicine wears off and he looks like this...poor baby.



So my job is to stay ahead of his discomfort.

On another note, I talked to Dr. O yesterday about my progress and if my positive response to the drugs will alter our "plan". Honestly, I am just beleaguered at the thought of 9 to 10 more months of treatments, especially via my port. She explained that it is the microscopic cancer cells that they worry about and that 30% of all women with metastatic breast cancer will eventually develop brain tumors. So they will not alter my chemo schedule or treatment plan in any way. Okay-dokie....fine by me. Bring it on. Roger that. 10-4. I am in great hands and know her plan is the one for me. :)

I am doing pretty good. I do love and treasure good days. I have had horrible heartburn, nausea and diarrhea. But I also have energy and an appetite. Yeah for that! I wake up every single night alternating between sweating profusely and cramping. I imagine that my ovaries are putting up a stellar fight to stay outta menopause. I still have a perpetual horrid taste in my mouth like I have been chewing on a tin can but I do not have mouth sores. So, all-in-all, things are going okay and could be much worse, for sure.

Love to you all and yours. Enjoy a wonderful weekend!

xoxo

2 down...

I had the second chemo of my second phase of treatment today. Two down, and only 2 1/2 months to go with these weekly treatments. It went fine today except she hit a vain so I have one of those attractive deep purple bruises at my port site. Does not hurt a bit. And thanks to my friend Laura and her magic numbing cream, today was easy and not painful. Thank you Laura...for everything!!!

I got to see Julie and Carrie today so that also made it a good day. Thank you, my dear friends.

Here is my favorite little nurse on her way to a princess b-day party. Pretty frilly and sweet for a child that would rather play with Hotwheels like her brother. :)







xoxo

torturing myself....or therapy

I have been looking through pictures of Zoey. And I ended up laughing instead of crying....so yahoo for that. I came across these pictures of Oscar and Zoey from when Oscar was around 3. I swear, the child LOVES mud. He would still rather jump in a puddle than anything else on earth. He and Zoey had that in common.

You gotta click on this one to enlarge it....he has splatters all over him like freckles. LOL

xoxo

Baldy

Remember I told you about my friend Amy, the photographer extraordinaire? She came back to shoot pictures of me without hair. My eyebrows are nearly gone so I am glad she came when she did...when I still had some.

She is so talented! I wish Oscar was in more but he was outta sorts and very sad about Zoey still.

Click here to see the photos

xoxo

p.s. I have not figured out how to get URLs to open in a new window...so you will have to hit your "Back" button to get back to my blog. Sorry.

Today

Hi all...just checking in to tell you today went fine. It was a very long day. My sweet friend Julie went with me. Thank you so much, Julie...you are an amazing friend!

We got there at 8:30 or so this morning and got home around 3:00ish.

I was very nauseous during the infusion....really yuck. Every smell was totally getting to me. I imagine part of it is psychosomatic. Because I literally get ill just walking into that place.

The people are so nice, my doctor rocks and my nurse, Priscilla, is wonderful. In fact, she had a little tête-à-tête with me today. She said she is a tad worried about me and wanted to make sure I was caring for myself (ie: allowing people to help me, getting counseling, understanding the gravity of the situation). She was loving and just so kind. She truly cares about me and it really touches me. I will write my thoughts on our conversation another time after I have had time to digest all she said.

I was a big baby when they accessed my port. I had numbed it but it still hurt like a booger-bear (oh my gosh, I am talking like one of my kids).

First they use a needle like the one below (only mine is more "bent"...or at an angle)....

tube sideneedle side

...and they poke it through the skin into my port which is totally under the skin (see the lump in the picture below. wow, I have a lot of freckles. sorry about the unflattering photo...lol). I thought, before all of this, that when they talked about "accessing my port" that they would hook into a little tube or something that was sticking out of my skin. But nope....it is all under the skin. The port has a little rubber top, like the top on a test tube sorta. They feel around, find the rubber top and poke through the skin and through the rubber with a not-so-little needle.

I was feeling really bad during the process and I am just not sure what triggered it. Like I said, I found it very difficult to walk into that building. And it does completely overwhelm me to think I need to do this every Tuesday for the next couple months. BUT, I have one down and that is a beautiful thing!

As always, thank you so much for your loving support, your well-wishes, your cards/notes/e-mails/text messages/voicemails...and most especially your prayers. I assure you...I FEEL THEM...thank you!!!!

xoxo

ECHO...echo...echo...

Ha ha. I had my echocardiogram today and my heart looks good. So I have the green light to start my weekly chemo tomorrow. Yahoooo...on to phase 2.

xoxo

A Dog's Purpose (from a 6-year-old)

I have been looking everywhere for this to share with my friend, Brenda. Thought you all might enjoy it too. This veterinarian sounds as kind as the ones at Hillside, our vet.

Being a veterinarian, I had been called to examine a ten-year-old Irish Wolfhound named Belker. The dog's owners, Ron, his wife Lisa, and their little boy Shane, were all very attached to Belker, and they were hoping for a miracle. I examined Belker and found he was dying of cancer.

I told the family we couldn't do anything for Belker, and offered to perform the euthanasia procedure for the old dog in their home. As we made arrangements, Ron and Lisa told me they thought it would be good for six-year-old Shane to observe the procedure. They felt as though Shane might learn something from the experience.

The next day, I felt the familiar catch in my throat as Belker's family surrounded him. Shane seemed so calm, petting the old dog for the last time, that I wondered if he understood what was going on. Within a few minutes, Belker slipped peacefully away.

The little boy seemed to accept Belker's transition without any difficulty or confusion. We sat together for a while after Belker's death, wondering aloud about the sad fact that animal lives are shorter than human lives. Shane, who had been listening quietly, piped up, 'I know why.' Startled, we all turned to him. What came out of his mouth next stunned me. I'd never heard a more comforting explanation.

He said, 'People are born so that they can learn how to live a good life -- like loving everybody all the time and being nice, right?' The six-year-old continued, 'Well, dogs already know how to do that, so they don't have to stay as long.'

Excuse me while I go hug Scruffy and my sweet 6 year old....then I might just go indulge in a big ol' boo hoo.

Vacation officially over...

I just hung up with the oncologist's office. Time to get the boys back to work. I start back up on my nightly pills tonight. But they are dose-reducing me again. I am down to taking 4 pills (a mere 1000 mg).

Will you say a little prayer that my system tolerates this dosage okay and that my GI track stays healthy? There will be no more dose reductions. If my body keeps acting up then I will not be allowed to continue in the clinical trial. But I think I will be okay now. I am sure this is the magic dosage for me and I can continue with it...for another 4 months...or 120 days...or...ey ya ya. ;-)

xoxo

Random thought...

I was sitting here thinking about my surgery in November. My port has been bothering me so I guess that is why I was thinking back about the day they put it in my chest. I do not remember this but Megan tells me that when Dr. Grant was wheeling me out of the operating room, she asked him how it went. His response was: "She did great. And I am just so proud she did not try to get up and help". LOL!!! I was still just barely conscious and do not remember this but it makes me chuckle to think of Dr. Grant saying that.

Am I that controlling?

Or just helpful?

LOL!

Monday, Monday...

Yes, I have that song in my head. Better than "The Old Grey Mare" that my sister Michele planted (via e-mail I might add) firming in my brain the other day.


I feel good. So glad...and grateful! I will probably have to start back on the nightly pills tomorrow. I am sure enjoying food in the meantime. And the boys get a rest...






I will be without a computer for a couple days. Great timing for you all. Ya' know...since I feel good I would probably be blogging up a storm about really important things like my 3 year old heavy with child or Oddie not pooping in the house or Oscar looking for his hamster...


More from me on Wednesday...

xoxo